The Glamour Effect

Hi Cocktale,

I miss you. I wish you were here. I’m glad that we keep in touch, but I really look forward to seeing you and can’t wait to come back over Christmas.

You know, although our situations are very similar, I can’t imagine how you cope with the emotional ramifications from the divorce combined with the onslaught of teenager issues from your boys. I remember being a teenager, and it was a time of serious confusion. I am still confused…maybe that will never go away.

As a teenager, I always thought I was smarter than my parents. I now realize the opposite was true. Although I may have deceived my parents by crafting camping trips so I could go run rampant for a few days, stole a bottle of wine or a few cigarettes, they were always supporting and knew that I had to learn some things on my own to become the person that I am today. I thank them for that, and someday your boys will too.

Speaking of confusion, I have a great story for you. The last few weeks have been insane. After months of layoffs, the office here is finally landing new clients and now we have the opposite problem. Most of us are trying to drink from the firehose of work around here. All I keep hearing is the phrase “it is a good problem to have” and I keep thinking yes, it is for you, but it’s not helping me get to bed before 2am every night. Anyway, I digress, so as a team building event, the office decides to throw an all day session with leadership facilitators to explore the concept of Extraordinary. I won’t go into details, but it was 8 hours worth of pain, followed by the typical advertising party where everyone gets fall down drunk. I was no exception – I was fully engaged in the drunken debauchery.

So, of course, the Aussie was in town and it turns out that he thought it would be a good idea to stay at my house. I gave him a random excuse about the dog whisperer and told him that he could not stay even though he was in Japan and would not be coming back for the next few weeks. Anyway, I head to the party, start drinking and like usual, the Aussie just wants to have a good time. Well, to be honest, I don’t remember what happened. I know there was a LOT of drinking, there was karaoke and then I woke up in my bed, without the Aussie, so I can only assume that nothing happened. The next day, the Dog Whisperer sent me a text message to let me know he was very upset with me. Of course I have no idea why and I feel like a total idiot. Thoughts that crossed my mind (in this order):

• RUN!
• Ok, I don’t know why he’s mad, what do guys do in this situation?
• If I apologize will it go away?
• Did I say something about the Aussie being in town, does this mean he wants to break up with me? OMG, did something happen?
• Seriously man….he’s old, does it matter…it was only a matter of time!
• Wait…why do I feel like I want to throw up?

Good times. So I spent about 2 days in this agony trying to figure out what I could have done that he no longer wants to speak with me. During the 2 days of emotional angst (a throwback to my teenage years), I was sitting in a salon getting my nails done reading Glamour magazine. I usually avoid trashy magazines, but I had nothing better to do while the small lady doing my nails tortured me with her nail file, so I read as a distraction. There was this small comic at the bottom of a page really making light of non-committal woman (apparently my issues are more common than I thought). The comic was about me…everything about the comic summarized my dating life since my divorce. I have a tendency to make up any random excuse in the book to try and justify breaking up with someone. The comic had a woman breaking up with a guy over his shoes, over his hair or over his height etc. It was actually quite entertaining until the comic character spends some time with a guy she really likes and breaks up with him for another stupid reason. All of a sudden she is reeling from heartbreak and needs to figure out how she was blindsided by the angry bus of emotion.

So, the outcome from my Glamour epiphany is that I am going to take a step back and re-evaluate my personal baggage to ensure I don’t miss out on an opportunity. Nothing is resolved with the Dog Whisperer just yet, and I’m not sure it will be before I leave on my trip, but at least I will have plenty of time to think what I want on my vacation.

I leave tomorrow – a few days of traveling across Spain, then a couple of weeks helping out my grandfather in a remote village in Northern India with the hopes of starting educational programs and promoting literacy. Thanks for putting on the fundraiser, it’s a great cause and we really hope to help.

Anyway, this is my sign-off. I will be sure to write about my adventures while I’m away.

Lots of love,

Chutney

Dinner and Relationships after Divorce

Just read your post. Nice work. You are fascinating.

Friendship is like a old shirt, worn out underwear or a ragged pair of jeans - soft, warm and comforting.

I'm taking the day off work so I have time for a post. I'll comment on relationships after divorce in a bit.

First, let me describe my thoughts about dinner with Spindle, Sparky and the rest. Spindle's observations and comments were off base. Granted, you were quieter than I have seen you at other times. But I don’t think I would have expected anything different. Sometimes you are the life of the party - talking, joking, laughing, challenging, teasing, suggesting, motivating (notice I didn't add controlling - you aren't controlling). At this dinner I wouldn’t have expected you to be the centre of attention. That would have been odd. Everyone was new to you except Spindle and me. So naturally I would think you would listen more and talk less. I've met everyone before. So has Spindle, except for the Japanese gal, Tomato. You weren't hostile - far from it. I've seen you pissed off (although never at me) and you were nothing like that. I thought you were having fun and enjoying the food - getting to know everyone. To be honest, I thought you were partially inebriated from the wine we consumed previously - wasn't that fun? You were not bizarre or bitchy. Where did she get that idea from? I can't believe she said that. I think she was nervous and wanted you to be gaga about Sparky. He's not that type of guy. He is just a human being like the rest of us. Personally, I like him and I think he is great with Spindle.

I agree with the Dog Whisperer, looks are important. I saw that show, "Dating in the Dark", too. The show was interesting, except that all the gals fell in love with the same guy. I felt sorry for the other 2 guys. Getting to know someone before seeing them is a good idea. I think it would be difficult to set up a situation where 2 people are on a date and have never seen each other before. I can't imagine how that could happen. Then I'm a guy and guys are visual - very visual. When I ask a woman on a date, my criteria for what they look like is not very high. Actually I don't really care. I like friends and I like having fun. So I go on lots of dates with a variety of women; some of whom are not super pretty.

But when it comes to having a relationship, all of a sudden I find my criteria changes. My criteria seem to be quite rigorous when it comes to having a relationship. I seem to be very picky. Age is one hang-up that I know I have. I can't seem to get excited about any woman who is older than me. I went out with a Jewish gal. She was and is still a wonderful friend. She is about 6 years older. We actually went to the same high school but obviously not at the same time. I like her but kissing her was very odd. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t too excited about her. I took me a while to figure out because I love kissing. We kissed often but I had this nagging feeling that something wasn't right. Jessie is shortish, dark hair with some grey, and a bit over weight. All of a sudden it dawned on me - she looks like my mother. I'm kissing my mother! I freaked out and never kissed her again. It was terrifying. So now I can't kiss anyone older than me.

My second hang-up is living with my two teenage sons. I love living with them although it is nerve wracking. Having dates over is a bit awkward. I have brought women home after a wonderful evening but then I get nervous with teenagers around and one of them is always here. My mind just runs wild with images of them laughing because of what they think I'm doing behind closed doors. I know you can't relate as a parent but think about it as a daughter. Isn't having a parent over with a date a bit strange?

My third hang-up is trying to fall in love. I can’t seem to do it. Having a relationship after divorce is challenging for me. I was so in love with my ex-wife, Spandex. Dating her was absolutely a blast. We did so much together - hiking, skiing, canoeing, camping, eating, kissing, exploring. Getting married and setting up a home was fun too. Having kids was challenging but we did it. Playing with young kids and watching them learn was very rewarding for me. After getting married, Spandex and I managed reasonably well for about 10 years then things started to fall apart. My mother died. I love my mother but during the last 10 years of her life she was not healthy and not that nice. I have great memories of her but they are all when she was younger. Then our family dog died. Then Spandex's brother-in-law died. He was only 42. That was getting too close to home. But what finally killed our marriage was when her father died. It was sudden and he was only 67. Spandex didn't fall apart. She's too much of a controlling bitch to do that. She just went cold. I can't really blame her. I'm sure I wasn't the best person to live with when my mother died. Everything I did was wrong. Our sex life crumbled and I found strange ways to satisfy my hunger. I was a mess. My whole digestive system was mushy - food would just run through my body. I even had a colonoscopy to determine what the problem was - negative. I was angry frequently. I couldn't seem to keep a steady job and I hated myself and my life.

And having teenagers didn't help. One day my older son, Rhino, and I got into a tussle. He wouldn't go to bed. He was 16 and it was a Saturday night - I was way out of line. Spandex was away that weekend. I called her and told her what happened. She was cruel. After that call I realized that I had been enforcing house rules that were not my invention. I was trying to parent my boys in a way that pleased their mother and I wasn't being true to what I believed. At that moment, I realized that I couldn't do this anymore. I just gave up. I couldn't continue living the way I thought someone else thought I should live. I couldn't try to please her any longer. I was done. The next day I started looking for an apartment and within 2 weeks I had moved out.

Separating and moving out was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Within weeks my sexuality straightened out. Within 6 months my digestive system was normal. I could actually take a crap without shit splashing all over my ass. I smiled and laughed. I cried, lots. I cried for me and for my boys. I worried about them so much. Both have had difficulties with drugs and the law. But they are now working things out and getting better. Last term Giraffe did the best that he has done in school since grade six. Rhino was very ill, mentally, last year but he is improving slowly. He is even asking to do chores around the how. He wants to be paid but that is fine. There are streaks on the windows after he "washed" them but at least he did it. He tried. Last year he was comatose or nearly so. The change in him is like a fresh new dawn.

I’m sad because it will be a long time before we meet again. Have fun on your travels. Send me a post card. Miss you already.

Cocktale

Dating in the Dark

It’s really good to be at home for a few days. I have to tell you that it was wonderful seeing you last night after such a long time. Our time together is always brief, but always enjoyable. I have to tell you that you really are one of my best friends and I’m glad that the president’s cup challenge years ago led to such an amazing friendship.

Speaking of best friends, my best girlfriend, Spindle, also joined us for dinner on Wednesday night. I am really glad that you were able to hit it off with her as well. She has a not so new boyfriend named Sparky. Spindle tends to be uncertain with many things in her life and she has always been a woman that rides the wind. This is the first time in her life that I’ve seen her in such a serious relationship. Spindle and Sparky have moved in together. Spindle is also working full time now, so I’m really happy for her.

So this week was the big meeting where I got to meet her boyfriend Sparky. I completely understand how this was a big deal for her. In fact, I have a story of my own of my friends meeting the Dog Whisperer for the first time, but I’ll get to that later. Honestly, I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with the guy. I spoke with him at dinner for a few minutes and that was basically the extent of our conversation. I thought he was fine and that everything went well. I mean, how much can you really like a person or tell what they are about after an hour or two at dinner. My first impression was that he was polite, a little on the nervous side, but overall a human with good intentions.

Well as it turns out, his perception of me was quite different. The next day, Spindle IMed me and asked me what was wrong with me over dinner. She said that I wasn’t quite myself and that I seemed hostile. I disagreed with her statement - in fact, I had a wonderful time over dinner and felt completely at home with the group (the entire bottle of wine you and I consumed prior to dinner helped). She insisted that my behavior was bizarre and that I was quite abrasive over dinner as Sparky had a hard time communicating with me. Oh no – how do you react to that? A man you have never met before in your life is influencing your best friend into thinking that somehow I have turned into an unfriendly bitch. How does a significant other blind someone you have known your entire life in a matter of a few months? I’m not really concerned, I’m sure everything will work out eventually, but the question is still interesting.

Are we really all blind when we are dating? What senses play the biggest factor in the experience? I have been concentrating a heck of a lot of sight, but there is of course the power of pheromones, attraction to the mind and just general energy levels that all play a part in the complex phenomenon of dating.

I recently saw a show called “Dating in the Dark” that exemplifies part of this question wonderfully. When I saw the show for the first time, I immediately thought of myself and the dog whisperer. Would I have gone for his sexy European accent, his charming personality and his overall intelligence – it’s safe to assume the answer would have been yes to all of these questions. What happens after a few dates in the pitch dark is that the person is revealed to you in the light for a few minutes before you go back and contemplate if all the other factors matter over sight. I have been documenting the results…I have found that in 2/3 of cases, the person deemed as being more attractive will give it a shot, but of course we don’t know what happens after this point. Does it last a week, a date or a year? Did they agree to go out on another date so they didn’t look like complete shallow assholes on tv?

I brought up this show with the Dog Whisperer the other night to see his reaction. It actually surprised me quite a bit. He told me that he would not ask a woman out he did not find attractive. He said that women he dates have to be the entire package and that physical appearance is integral to having a healthy relationship. My mind was on a complete rollercoaster ride during the conversation as I was trying to rationalize not going off the deep end with him and revealing my doubts on the subject.

I did come to one realization though throughout this conversation….yes physical appearances matter, but what matters more to me is the mental challenge that dating evokes – he was driving me insane with this comments. As humans, we always want what we can’t have. So here is where I think the Dog Whisperer is brilliant, the more I start to like him, the more he backs away, so I think I want him more. I’m struggling with this concept, and I’m not sure if the relationship is real at this point, but I’ll tell you this much, this is the first time in a dating scenario that I’ve been mentally engaged since my divorce. I find that this exact strategy works in reverse as well. The less I call, the harder he will work to see me and get my attention. I think I may have a rebuttal to “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

I know that your experiences in this domain have been similar. Pickles and how many other women have been falling over themselves in love trying to be with you and touch your hair? OMG, this strategy is gold if you know what you want. Now figuring that out is the real problem!

Pickles in New York City

I loved your last post. Glad to hear that you got your own place. Wow. That is fantastic. You must be loving it. Except for no banjo music at 4 am - I'm sure you'll miss that!

The only time I have lived on my own was was a couple of years after I was separated. I'll admit was lonely at times. But it was also a time of healing. I look back on it with fondness. In contrast to now where living with teenagers is not lonely and hardly boring, to say the least. But I digress.

Before I get going on New York I should share the second story about women, me and dogs. I was at Pickles' place and her mutt jumped on the bed. I was in a rather compromising position and the monster licked my.... Well not really but I thought that it might. My reaction was to high tail (sic) it out of there. The next day Pickles went into retreat mode and started training the mutt to stay out of her room at night. I can just hear her, "Bad dog, biting the nice man's balls and chasing him away like that, Bad dog". It was a little shocking at the time but now it is funny.

The trip to New York was fantastic. I'm in love. With New York, not Pickles. She pissed me off a few times. First she lost my pen. I'm serious. It took her less than an hour into the trip to lose my pen. While we were going through US customs before the flight, she asked to use my pen. So I lent it to her. Then we got on the plane and I had to fill in yet another form so I ask for my pen back. She had lost it. Unfuckingbelievable. Usually I'm cool with a minor incident like this but I just thought it was careless and I took it personally. I gave her the evil eye. I'm still not laughing.

We arrived in New York on a Wednesday. Remember I'm travelling with two women. Pickles is my age roughly, a bit younger. She is nice. She is a giver. She's loving. She likes me. She massaged my feet a few times - I love massages (any part of my body actually). But she can be annoying. And I'm not in love which means that I don't really care about how I react to her annoying behaviour. I agree, this isn't too smart - I react before I think. Stupid really but that just how it is.

The second traveler is Grace. That's not her real name but that is what she is. She is a relative of a relative (my uncle Fairy, remember him?). Grace is 77 years old (born in 1931, can you believe that) and a real gem. She is the main reason that I wanted to go to New York. She is an artist (painter) and has never had much money so I offered to pay for her trip. I thought she would like to visit some art galleries and I wanted to see her reaction. She has been a spinster forever and I also wanted to let her know that someone cares about her and to bring some joy into her life. She actually does just fine on her own but, you know, sometimes it's nice to have someone do something special for you. She loved everything about New York. It was so fun to go with her. She made me laugh.

Back to Wednesday. We got to our hotel ($233 a night, not bad). Okay, I'll put a plug in for Best Western Hospitality House. It was a great place to stay: 2 bed rooms (I wasn't with Grace), kitchen, living room, 3 TVs, bathroom and continental breakfast. Then we went for a stroll to Times Square (can you see us?). That place is busy - even late at night! We took Grace back and then Pickles and I went back for more.

We ended up getting lured into the basement of some building by a guy offering us tickets for a comedy show. I thought, "What the heck?", but it was a little freaky going down into a basement. We lived and some of the comedians were funny. I love the guys that make fun of people in the audience. One black guy in the audience had a hat on and the comedian kept teasing him about being a pirate. Another guy had a Mohawk and the comedian kept referring to him as gay and joking with his date that she was going out with a gay guy. Probably not too funny for you - you had to be there. The strange thing is that when a comedian asks someone a question, they seem to reply with a real answer - how stupid is that?. I keep a very low profile at these types of things - I'm an easy target.

On Thursday we headed for The Cloisters. This was Grace's idea and it was fantastic. I was pretty excited but nervous too because it started with a bus ride to Harlem and a walk down 125 St to the subway. Luckily it was broad daylight. The Cloisters is at the northern tip of Manhattan Island which is why I was interested in going there, I had never been to that part of Manhattan before.

I should explain that I had surgery on my foot a couple weeks ago. The doctor cut a nerve (Morton's Neuroma) out of my left foot. He had a fit when I told him I was going on a walking tour of New York City. I revived him with smelling salts. He threatened me with blood clots on the plane. Apparently after surgery I was a bit woozy and I asked the nurse for a blow job in the recovery room. I can't remember if she obliged or not. Darn. So I experienced some discomfort and slowness in New York.

As mentioned, The Cloisters (every time I say that word, I can't help think of some female anatomy - silly me) was fun. Pickles started to complain after the first 45 minutes. I had arranged a work related appointment at 3:00 so I left the two ladies to navigate their way back to the hotel via Harlem. The visit with the ad agency went well except that he said it was tough getting clients to pay $150 per hour. I was stunned - this is New York! Martinis are $20 each and he can't get a client to pay a paltry $150? Ludicrous. I'm not sure we will be doing any business with them.

Pickles and Grace never made it back to the hotel. I found them drinking in Rockefeller Plaza. Grace doesn't drink but Pickles drinks like a beached whale. There is no way I can keep up to her. Makes for fun times later, however. They didn't know what they wanted to do in the evening so I made a few calls and voila, we were heading to the harbor for dinner on a cruise. Now that was some dinner. The food was great. The waiter was funny. The entertainment - singing waiters - was pretty good. The views were unforgettable. Glad you got the picture of the Statue of Liberty - the lady is impressive. We got back late.

Friday started with a visit to The Met - it was spectacular. It is a museum and it is big but it is art and not stuffed animals. I don't do stuffed animals. But art - I love art. I don't go for all art - I get tired of Renaissance portraits. I love the Impressionists and some modern art. Although some modern art is just for laughing at. I hope the artist is never around when I'm looking at contemporary art - I just ridicule it. Not all of it but lots of it. Well you know what I'm like. It didn't take Pickles very long to request a lunch break so we had hot dogs.

Now this gets interesting. Pickles can't stand spicy food. Really! She paid for 2 sausage dogs; tried one; nearly passed out and gave hers to me. It gets worse. On the Saturday we were tired so we went to a restaurant near the hotel. It served Indian food (that has to be the worst website). You would have loved it but Pickles could only eat the rice and drink the beer. I am fucking serious. Quit laughing. This is no laughing matter. She can't eat anything hotter than rice. I'm not sure I can date someone who can't eat food with a little kick. Of course there is an upside - more for me. Bring on the naans and tandori chicken.

Friday night Pickles and I went to Billy Elliot. OMG, it was sooooo good. I loved every minute. The story. The acting. The singing. And of course the dancing. I laughed. I cried. I didn't dance but I could have had there been room. God it was good. The movie trailer. The dancing. The musical. Music by Elton John, no less. This was the song that had tears rolling down my cheeks. I seem to have a little pent up sadness (and anger) from childhood.

By the time Saturday rolled around I was sick of continental breakfasts (you know I love breakfast). So I'm thinking, The Waldorf is just around the corner. "Hey, ladies what about the Waldorf for a change?" They agree so off we go. Only to lighten our wallets by $120. No alcohol. No seconds. No kidding. Luckily, Grace whipped out her Amex and paid.

Then we went to MOMA. Most of the time I was in hysterics. This is a long video of NYSE crashing. How can someone call this art? This was a huge room of junk called art. Even Bruno was there. Everyone marked their height on the wall. This is a chair. Who thinks of this stuff? My lord. However, Grace loved it and that was important. She loves modern and contemporary art but she takes it seriously and ignores my antics. Kinda why I like her.

Later, we went to a small gallery on Grace's list. She loved it. I sat on a chair and listened to her discussion with the curator. Pickles went off on her own to Pier 17 to drink beer.

On Sunday we explored Central Park. I rented a bike and pushed off the ground with my good leg. It is huge. Not my leg although it was a bit swollen - the park. We started off and after an hour or more we came to the end, or what I thought was the end. Pickles insisted that we had come full circle to the beginning - I was sure that she was totally out to lunch. But she pointed out a few land marks proving that we had not gone the full length but, in fact, only the width. I was soooo wrong and I'm the one with the outdoor recreation degree - embarrassing. But we had a super time.

For dinner we went to my cousin's condo. David is related to Grace too. David and his wife, Suzie, have two young children - adorable. Dinner was excellent. The condo is in Harlem so we had to go there one last time. We had a great time. Love it.

Monday was depressing because we had to head home. I never like coming home after a trip. Using my incredible foresight, I had arranged to meet a client from New Jersey at our departure airport, Newark, so that took a bit of the edge off.

Anyway, that was our trip. Fun.

A Good Night's Sleep

Thankfully, my dating life has been slightly less complicated in the animal arena. I have not had to deal with any make-out sessions with eyes staring in the corner. The occasional lick has been averted – well maybe not, but there were certainly no dogs involved. My primary problem lies in the area of roommates. I have not lived alone since my divorce. In fact, I don’t think I have ever lived alone until quite recently – let me tell you, this makes for very interesting situations. As of the last 2 weeks, I’m officially living on my own. It’s quiet. I can walk around in any outfit I choose and I don’t have to worry about many of my prior problems. Some of the key benefits I have discovered in the last couple of weeks include:

- There is no cushion loving, gay room mate stealing my bank card to cut his cocaine
- No one is using my kitchen appliances for anything other than their intended purpose (My last turkey baster was relocated to the bathroom for unknown purposes that I will let you imagine)
- There is no 4 am banjo playing
- The random garbage on the floor has disappeared
- The S&M parties have ended (I lived in an open loft at the time and this made for very interesting evenings at home)

I would like to add the disclosure that for each and every room mate I have had, I did do my due diligence and get references and a credit check. Unfortunately this is obviously not a full proof method, so I am still trying to refine my selection techniques.

My latest flame, the dog whisperer (DW), and I ran into a few very sticky situations with my latest roommate. She has an interesting personality, but overall she has a good heart. She is autistic - suffers from Asperger's syndrome and has an open dating relationship with a coffee barista named Jordon. The two of them combined really make you understand the inspiration behind shows like Jerry Springer.

Jordon is an S&M addict with a mistress on the side, and my roommate is just different. My favorite evening was when we came home after a late evening of salsa dancing to discover them coming in after an erotic party. Of course the evening was not over for them, and it wasn’t for us either. Living in a soft loft puts a slightly different perspective on privacy.

DW and I are super tired and ready to go to sleep. My old roommate and Jordon fall into the door attired in what can only be called strips of lace and PVC. I of course had my own plans for the evening and it did not involve listening to what ensued. After about 2 hours of television (of course, it was already 3 am when we got home) they retire to her area of the apartment. This is when the pony noises start….good times. She likes to tie him up with shoelaces and ride him around like a pony.

DW is surprisingly understanding. You see, he is an older gentleman and my frat house open loft apartment is certainly not what he is used to. We of course get into a vocal match that evening with Jordan and my roommate when DW and I start trying to enjoy ourselves as well. I don’t think anyone won that evening, or maybe we all did. We finally fell asleep around 6 am. Over the course of the evening I develop just a little more respect for the guy, although I still have to close my eyes every time I see him.

I like to refer to this phenomenon as the roommate test. Putting people in slightly awkward situations is very revealing and can show patience, open mindedness, intolerance, humor and or course that little bit of kink in the bedroom. Of all the benefits and privacy I have gained, I think I will miss evenings like the aforementioned one, just a little.

Chutney

Further Musings on Canines

Funny that you should bring up the topic of dogs because that is exactly what I wanted to write about. I love dogs. In fact, I have one. A golden retriever. All of us in the household love her. She's wonderful but she can be a real bitch too - typical. However, this post isn't about her. It's about women and dogs.

Dogs have been a regular part of my life. When I was a kid my father had guard dogs - two Doberman Pinschers. One day when my younger son was about five he asked me what their names were and I couldn't remember. I wanted to give him a image and something to remember so after a short pause I said Leftie and Rightie. I had to call my Dad after that and explain to him that if Son #2 ever asks him about the our dogs that he needed to say that their names were Leftie and Rightie. Those have been the names ever since.

I also had dogs when I was married - two in fact (dogs not marriages). The black lab died after six years. His death was one of the many stress factors that killed our marriage. The other dog I lost in the divorce. She got the dog and I got the kids. I think I got ripped off. All she has to do is feed the dog, walk the dog and brush his coat once in a while. I, on the other hand, am left with two teenage boys high on hormones, girls, sex, drugs, beer, and junk food. Parenting them is like dancing in a nest of vipers - terrifying and painful. And worry? God, I've never worried so much in my life. 

But I digress. Let me get to the topic of this post: dating women with dogs. 

Two of the women I dated recently have dogs. As I said, I love dogs but I have a bias toward big dogs. Little yappy mutts really bother me. Let me give you an example. Fenn (from about a year ago) has one of these rat-sized things that she called a dog. Truth be told, it is because of this feral beast that I never made it to the bedroom with her. I never got a chance. The barriers, partially dog and partialy woman, were insurmountable. 

The first barrier was that Fenn is very religious - a real prude. I should have known that scoring a home run was just a fantasy. But there were other barriers. The second barrier was that she foamed at the month. I'm serious. She would start talking and a bit of white foam would appear at the corner of her mouth. One would think that this shouldn't be a problem but it was incredibly distracting. Literally, I couldn't consentrate on what she was saying - all I could think about was, "God woman, clean up your act, lick your lips once in a while," or" Don't you know you're foaming at the mouth," or "Shit, I hope she doesn't have rabies." 

Although, mouth foam was a problem, it was resolvable. If I closed my eyes I was't so distracted. The clincher for ending our short relationship was Ruffy or whatever her dog's name was. This dog wouldn't stop barking and licking. It barked at the moon, at cars driving by, at the wind, at the neighbors, and at me. I don't think I'm much different from other people - I don't like dogs barking at me. But I'm also 50 years old - I figured I could handle it. Consequently, I decided to not let the barking bother me. I figured that I would just ignored the stupid mutt. It was annoying but never mind - I'm fine. Besides I want some good lovin'. 

But this dog was intrusive and that is what did me in. Fenn and I were in the living room. Remember we couldn't be in her bedroom because that might lead to ... Lord save us - sex. Fenn has finally got the mutt to stop barking.  We are lying on the floor - kissing. That is all we are doing - kissing. My eyes are closed so that I'm not distracted by the foam - I just lap it up. 

Then all of a sudden Ruffy starts licking my feet. I jumped clean off the floor and nearly choked on a mouth full of foam. Eventually, Fenn calms the dog down and we start kissing again - still in the living room and still on the floor. Just as I'm getting my nerve back the dog starts nuzzling my hair and he's licking Fenn's hair too. The strange thing is that she doesn't seem to mind. She thinks this is "cute" and carries on kissing. But to me this is just too bizzare. I not impressed and I'm not having a good time.

What really pissed me off was that Fenn babed this dog and let the thing do whatever it wanted.  All I wanted to do is swat the beast. I didn't but I've lost my motivation and any level of performance is gone. I give up. I fake a yawn and complain about how tired I am, then make a quick exit. 

I'll save the next dog story for the next post.

Cocktale

The Dog Whisperer

I can certainly understand your predicament. You know me – come on, I am a sucker for a pretty face. I have even had entire relationships destined to fail from the start over washboard abs and a little bit of arm candy.

Everyone wants to be with that person who walks in the room with the jaw dropping factor. Certainly, you and I are not any exceptions to this rule. To be truthful, I have done very well in this department in the past – come on, I married a gay man!!

He took countless hours to impeccably style his hair in the morning. This routine sometimes lasted upwards of an hour. He would iron or dry clean everything down to his underwear and t-shirts. His shoes would be glowing any time he left the house. I have to tell you –he made it look easy to look good, but it was a daily process that involved at least 3 outfit changes, a temper tantrum and an extra 2-3 hours in the bathroom.

My past lovers have also been quite attractive and could also be defined as metro sexual or even in some other cases as entirely homosexual. I have noticed a trend and am working hard on figuring out an alternative approach to dating (more on this later). In the past I had been happy to be arm and arm with:

- Chad – a very beautiful make-up artist trying to discover himself
- Rob – a bi-curious man with a fetish for leather pants (I ran into him at a bar several years later only to discover he was still wearing the same leather pants. They fit, but my first question to myself is how you go about washing such an article of clothing)
- TM – he was absolutely stunning! His beautiful body, gorgeous face made him a magnet for both men and women a like. Unfortunately he had some serious performance issues. I suspect this issue may have been due to his third testical (I am not even kidding).
- Anatol – my gorgeous German lover who was convinced he was in love with me after a few months of traveling together in turkey
- Emilio – my handsome salsa dancing doctor
- Neil – a confessed in the closet, supremely confused gay man with a propensity for cocaine. He was the spitting image of a younger Jude Law.
- KK – of course we can’t forget my ex husband

So this brings me to my current predicament with The Dog Whisperer (DW for short). You know what is entertaining about your issue with Pickle, is that I have a very similar predicament of my own with DW. His pseudonym fits him perfectly – he has an innate ability to communicate, but unfortunately his looks, in my personal opinion, would be classified and almost dog-like. OMG, that was mean! I don’t want to be this shallow and awful about this situation, as I really like the man, but unfortunately, we too have our issues.

What I adore about DW:
- He is a perfect gentle man – oh yes he opens doors, picks up the bill and becomes a handy man when required
- He is spontaneous – he took me to a shoe store and pretended to be the sales guy to get me to crack a smile
- He makes me laugh – see spontaneity above
- He pushes me to express myself emotionally– this is something that I rarely do now a days as generally I don’t get too attached or feel too much
- He is very well cultured – ok, ok, I am a sucker for accents and he has a great eastern European one that can make me melt over the phone
- He is quite wealthy – his shower is the size of my bedroom!!! I am not generally concerned about wealth as I do fairly well on my own, but there is something about walking into a place, stepping out of a gorgeous car (he opens the door of course), and stepping into a room.
- He can dance – OMG, I love a man who can dance. His Latin dancing skills are a little unreal.
- He is exceptionally smart
- He is not gay!!! In fact, he is borderline homophobic, but I guess any man with no homosexual tendencies is a step in the right direction for me at this point, so I will consider this a positive for now.
- He is absolutely unbelievable in bed – oh yes, oh yes, OMG, oh yes!!!

Sounds like a perfect match doesn’t it? One would think, I would be tripping over myself to reel this one in, but no such luck. In fact, I have spent weeks trying to avoid the man and get out of any sort of commitment what so ever. What is my problem? Well, he looks like a dog whisperer. I have to close my eyes when we go to bed, I can’t hold his hand in public and I’m always super paranoid that someone I know will see us together.

So, in short, I can relate to your dilemma entirely. I want to like him, I want to fall in love, but I don’t think I can or know how to tell you the truth. I am way to rational a person to dive and go blind (maybe that would help in this case).

I am still holding out for perfection. I agree with you, we are the entire package – attractive, smart, adventurous, successful, so why can’t we find all of those same characteristics in a single package.

I want it all! I am waiting for the entire list! Does this mean I will spend the rest of my life on the sidelines hoping for something to happen? Or will my selection criteria eventually pay off and will I ride off into the sun set with the perfect partner? These are all questions I’m currently struggling with as are you at the exact same moment.

The other question that has reared it’s ugly head is are my expectations too high. Before my divorce, I was not so fascinated by perfection and plagued by the fear of failure. Could this new behaviour be an excuse to not commit and stay single? I don’t have answers just yet, but I’m guessing we will discover them together!

Chutney