Types of Love and Books I've Read

I understand your dilemma regarding the Dog Whisperer. You think you love him; you want to love him but you're not sure - not quite there. Tough spot to be in. Torture actually.

As you might have guessed I have experienced many types of love. Allow me to be analytical and explain what I mean.

Instant love happens quickly and unexplainably. It is pure and clean. It isn't always safe or secure but it is strong and undeniable. Instant love is like infatuation but with slightly more maturity and longevity (but not much). Infatuation is when you see someone and get weak in the knees and say Wow, fuck is she cute. But that's it - short and sweet but it vanishes just as quickly. Instant love involves passion and touch, more like ripping off garments and grabbing various body parts - all hormones. The problem with instant love is that it doesn't last very long. Usually it lasts only until the next match comes along and lights your candle.

There is another kind of love that I call convenient love. I'm afraid this is probably where Pickles and I may end up. It isn't true love, it is just a relationship based on convenience. Like instant love the key ingredient is sex - all passion and great sex but the relationship lasts longer. The love part, however, is just a facade - no depth. The relationship between Ben (Nicolas Cage) and Sera (Elizabeth Shue) in Leaving Los Vegas is like this. Lots of books and movies demonstrate this type of love. The love is not deceitful it is just hollow. My first girlfriend and I had this type of relationship. Fun while we were naked but empty with our clothes on.

My parents had what I call cooperative love. I never got the feeling that they were "madly in love" but their love survived. They entertained, parented, worked and existed together but it wasn't a love or marriage that I wanted to emulate. They lived together and got along - most of the time. There were times especially after we moved to Canada that their relationship was dysfunctional and destructive. Culture shock, raising teenagers, lack of money and other pressures (like religion) overwhelmed them and ripped their relationship apart but they never divorced. Now that I think of it this sounds like my marriage until it fell apart. At least my Dad held in there until my Mom died about 11 years ago. I don't think she was the easiest person to live with or to love.

Along the love continuum is the type of love that your parents have. I call it earned love. It grows over time, usually a long time. It is probably the strongest type of love. Earned love involves respect, patience and commitment. It has less to do with looks and hormones and more to do with listening, understanding, caring and forgiving.At times my marriage had hints of earned love but then it would just fall apart. It is hard to have earned love without reciprocation and I often felt like I was giving without getting anything that I wanted back.

There is another type of love that most people search for but rarely find. It is what I call soulmate love. About 18 months after my Mom died, my Dad remarried a wonderful woman. I have no doubt that they are soulmates. Strangely, they knew each other long ago, before either one was married. Dad asked her out but she was already engaged so their relationship never developed until 45 years later. Isn't love wonderful? This type of love is really a combination of the other types of love. It is instant, it is convenient, it is cooperative and it is earned. Most love stories are about people trying to find this type of love.

My short and simple answer to know if you are in love with a soulmate is that you will know it - you can't help it. There will be no hesitation, no reluctance, no doubt, no question. It just is. It is mutual consent, entwined with passion and commitment. Do you remember the description that I gave to you in Chicago? You know you have found your soulmate when you touch each others' necks and you can feel your hearts beating together - perfectly synchronized.

As you know, I love reading fiction. I'll share with you some of the books I've read and see if I can give more definition to love.

The English Patient by Michael Onjaatje (Canadian)

I saw the movie first, years ago, when I was married. Spandex didn't like the movie because the love story involved adultery. I loved the story for exactly the same reason. I confess that I was considering an affair but I never did. I came close with an old flame - that was hot. In the novel, love materializes the moment when Count Laszlow (Ralph Fiennes) touches the tender depression near Katharine's (Kristin Scott Thomas) clavicle. At the time I wanted so much to be in love. I wasn't but I was trying and failing. Later, my older son bought the book for me - I still have it, somewhere. No question that this is an example of instant love with a slim chance the lovers eventually become soul mates but this isn't guaranteed - instant love never is.

Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

After her divorce, the author describes her yearlong travels to Italy, then India and finally to Indonesia. Chick lit but I liked it. The meditation part was a bit thick but her experiences in Italy and Bali where she falls in love are wonderful. Her marriage sounds like convenient love and her relationship in Bali might be instant love or cooperative love but she didn't convince me that it was soulmate love.

Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin

I think you suggested that I read this book but a few other friends did too. So I bought it. I cried for at least 2 chapters. Greg Mortenson is originally from the same country that I lived in in Africa. The parallels and memories tore me apart. Greg Mortenson has contributed so much to the lives of children, especially girls, in Pakistan. I also cried when Greg describes falling in love with Tara Bishop - 6 days later they get married. At first glance this may appear to be instant love but I'm sure that it is soulmate love that will survive for the long term. I admire every part of Greg. He is absolutely my hero.

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

Action packed love story - instant love - and all the rage. Teenage girl falls in love with a vampire. I liked reading about the tension that Edward has for Bella. He wants to love her and kiss her but he risks biting her which he doesn't want to do. There are a few women I'd like to bite, although not because I'm in love. I also read New Moon too but I haven't seen the movie, yet. Classic story of 2 guys battling over a cute gal.

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

Strictly a guy's book, or so I'm told by some of the reviews that I read. I haven't seen the movie but I have too because Charlize Theron is in it. Actually, she is my soulmate, she just hasn't figured it out yet. I know she will - I'm actually waiting for her phone call. Sometimes finding a soulmate requires patience - she'll come around eventually. I'm sure. Soulmates can't live without each other. Destiny prevails, just wait and see.

Honeymoon with My Brother by Franz Wisner

Another guy's book but very good; all about traveling. Definitely not about soulmate love. Guy gets dumped by fiancée a week before wedding, has big party instead, drags brother on already booked Costa Rica "honeymoon", and eventually convinces brother to travel around the world with him. Great travel story. I loved it.

The Skystone (The Camulod Chronicles) by Jack Whyte (Canadian)

I'm reading this series now. True adventure and great story telling. All about King Arthur although he hasn't entered into the story and I'm on the 3rd novel. Soon, I hope.

A Million Little Pieces by James Frey

About a guy recovering from various drug addictions. Absolutely brilliant. Having dealt with a few additions of my own (but not alcoholism). Lots of controversy about whether this book was fiction or not. To me his relationship with Lilly as described in the book is one of convenience.

Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett

Great novel set in the middle ages. There is a love story but a little contrived. A good story though.

Blindness by Jose Saramago

What would you do if everyone in the world went blind except you? Brutal story. A bit about love but not much. Tough to be in love when you are just trying to survive although I think it is possible.

Fall on Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald (Canadian)

I loved this book, wow. I can't remember if there was love or not in this book. I just remember incredible characters and a great story.

I Know this Much is True by Wally Lamb

Not the best title but a fantastic book. I couldn't figure out what the title had to do with the brutal story. Again I'm not sure this novel had much to do with true love but it was an interesting read.

Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt

Another brutal book describing terrible conditions in Ireland but I liked the book. For some strange reason I seem to read a lot of books that have "brutal" as and adjective. Must have something to do with my childhood. Parent in the book definitely have cooperative love; they aren't soulmates.

Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin

It took me an hour to remember the title of this book. This is classic chick lit but I loved it. I picked this up in an airport. It doesn't end how you would expect. Convenient love doesn't always work. Soulmate love is stronger. Soulmates are for life.

Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson (Canadian)

A very different story; like nothing you have ever read before. Tragic and beautiful. I may read this one again. Brutal car accident and fire in the beginning. The love story is about soulmates who find each other after centuries of time.

Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Interesting. Another story involving soulmates and traveling across time, similar to Gargoyle but different. I read that the movie wasn't that good but I liked the book.

The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks

I loved the book; the movie was okay but not great. Great story about soulmates. When we were married my ex-wife didn't want to see the movie with me. I couldn't believe it - that was the start of our demise. I wanted so much to be in love but it just wasn't working. Her not wanting to go really pissed me off. I never recovered from those cuts on my heart.

Message in A Bottle by Nicholas Sparks

Same author. Pretty good but a little corny. After this book, I didn't read any more of his books. At that point in my life I had lost all hope of ever finding a soul mate. I'm still lost.

Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri

This is the Indian movie that we went to a few years ago. It was fantastic. I haven't read the book so I just ordered it. Female author - I didn't know that. The story is about a second generation Indian who is smart but has trouble with relationships. Sound familiar? You should read the Editorial Reviews on Amazon.

A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry

Another Indian author. You told me about this book.Thanks. Wow what a story. Thrilling. The Beggarmaster character is fascinating and tragic. I fell for Dina - what a saint.

Helen of Troy by Margaret George

Absolutely loved this book. Helen is my favorite female in antiquity. Another lost soulmate of mine. She sets my ships sailing. The love between Paris and Helen is all about instant love - destine to end in tragedy.

Mary, Called Magdalene by Margaret George

I read this book by the same author; also very good. There are only a few references to Mary Magdalene in the Gospels so most of this story is imagined, very well imagined. For centuries, she was considered to be a prostitute as declared by Pope Gregory and only in recent years, (1969) was she given more appreciation. The Vatican quietly changed the scripture reading from Luke 7:36-39 (Jesus Anointed by Sinful Women) to John 20:1-2, 10-12 (Jesus Appears to Mary Magdalene). Regardless, I love the song in Jesus Christ Superstar where Mary (Yvonne Elliman) sings I Don't Know How to Love Him. I think I listen to the video about 30 times while writing this post. Love it.

Which brings me to the last type of love - frustrated love. This is what Mary experiences with Jesus. She wants to love him. In fact she does love him. He moves her but he doesn't show any inclination to love her back. At least not in the way that she wants him to love her.

Got to go. The phone is ringing. I'm sure it is Charlize calling. I've sent her my phone number a few times and I have her on speed dial. Up to now, my love for her has been a little frustrating because she never calls back but finally she has recognized her true feelings for me. I'm smitten. This is true love and she is my soulmate. I just know it.

Talk to you soon.

Cocktale

P.S. Thanks for the dinner, the dancing, the scarf, the gloves and your friendship.

The long road to recovery

Ah Mr. Daniels….how many nights I have spent sleeping in a shopping cart with you. Ok, it only happened one time, but that was enough. Anyway, I would like to take this time to advise the people out there (on the off chance we actually have a reader) that alcohol abuse is NOT a good way to make your life gel even if it is part of your job description. We may drink a fair amount but as my boss told me the other day, there comes a point when you have to decide for yourself if you are an alcoholic. Albeit he may have come to the realization at last year’s Christmas party when he used our co-worker as a mop after he spilled a full beer on her, fell on top of her and was trying to help her up.

Anyway, I know that you don’t have a problem with the liquor even though you are blaming me LOL. Actually based on your last post, you may have a problem with the ladies, but we already knew that. You have way too many on the go, and even I am losing track of who’s who in the zoo. It was good to see you the other night over dinner and of course salsa dancing. It was very nice to finally meet pickles as well. I can truly understand how she is still hanging in there. I liked her a lot. She was kind; she was very patient and extremely considerate. She was very carefully observing what was going on at the table and was careful to ensure that everyone was included and having a good time. I really liked her and I can understand why she is still in your life.

It’s a wonder to my how falling in love is an actual process. I understand that there are people out there that fall in love after a glance and they live together for 50 mostly blissful years, but I don’t think this is always the case. Take the arranged marriage for example, my parents had one, so I’m well versed in day to day observation on this phenomenon. They have been together for 30 years. They spend the majority of their time together (they work together), but over the years they have learned to like and even love each other. Now, I know this was not always the case. They are very different people, but when my grandparents decided they were a good match, they took education, family, money, life goals into consideration. Many times these basic fundamentals escape us when we are going through our own process. Sometimes the people with the characteristics you should be looking for aren’t the ones that turn your crank, so we don’t give them the proper shot. This was definitely the case with my ex husband.

Anyway, this brings me to my current dilemma….why do I have a nagging feeling that there isn’t something right in the current situation I’m in with DW. Is it because I like him and I’m shallow about what I shouldn’t be, or is it because I really like him and I am just scared about what it means to commit and I’m making excuses. You would think I would know the answer to this question, but I swear I have no idea! How can I not know how I feel? Actually, I think there are a lot of us walking around the planet suffering from completely paralyzing confusion. If there weren’t Maury and Jerry Springer certainly wouldn’t have such colorful careers.

So much for a quirky post about relationships LOL. For some reason, I’m more confused than ever and I just don’t have any crazy stories to share today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and enjoying my time, but I am going to spend some time and see if I can dig up some answers. Wait, maybe I do have a quick story….perhaps this seriousness was sparked by his use of the L word. Lord, I can’t even write it down. He basically dropped it in passing…I can’t even remember what our conversation was about. I may have been in shock. He said it…and I didn’t answer. I just looked at him with a dumb look on my face hoping the entire situation would go away. Anyway, I feel like I owe him some answers. I am going to spend a bit of time searching for those answers and maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll have them in time for the New Year. Can’t wait for 2010 baby….gonna hit an age milestone and I’m more than ok with turning 30.

Wish you all the best over the holidays and we will certainly chat soon. Btw…I will certainly post any epiphanies should I run into them. Tag – you’re it!

Chutney

Pumpkins and Women in My Life

Okay, so I'll admit I'm wasted. It started with red wine at dinner with son #1 and my renter who joined us for steak and potatoes. Now things have progressed on to bourbon (which is actually whiskey as it later turns out - I'll explain). The red wine is probably no surprise to you but the bourbon might have you questioning my sanity. Of course, you're the cause of my excessive drinking but you knew that. Actually, it all started with your friend, Spindle, since you introduced us. Let me clarify and elaborate.

As you may remember, Spindle came to my place on Halloween with Sparky and some of my friends. We had a great time eating, carving pumpkins, laughing, eating, and later munching on baked pumpkin seeds. It was fun. The next day after Halloween, I had lots of pumpkins so I thought I would salvage the meaty parts and make a pie. Which I did but I had a couple cups of left over pumpkin. I intended to make another pie but never got around to it.

Later in November my younger son wanted to have a birthday party with his cousin in the other city. Both have a birthday on the same day (years apart). So I thought, perfect, I'll go up a bit early, take the pumpkin and make a pumpkin pie for both lads. I almost accomplished that task. I grabbed the cream in the fridge and the recipe but for some strange reason forgot to grab the pumpkin which was on the shelf below the cream - strange really. So in the other city, at my Dad's place, I made a apple pie which turned pretty well. But then when I got home I still had the pumpkin.

Well this week was my business partner's birthday so I thought, great, I'll bake him a cake. He hates desserts but loves cheesecakes so I did a little research and came up with Pumpkin Bourbon Cheesecake. I don't even know what bourbon is so I thought this would be a great opportunity to learn - first hand. So I went to the store and with the store keeper's recommendation purchased a bottle of Jack Daniel's Old No. 7. Of course, Jack Daniel's isn't actually bourbon but that is what I was sold by that idiot at the liquor store. Now I have to go and by a bottle of real bourbon. Anyway the JD is nice stuff. I'm surprised I have any left for tonight but here I am sipping away - straight, not even any ice.

That is how I got started on JD whiskey. Apparently it is made in Kentucky. It's filtered through sugar maple charcoal. I'm blabbing.

Right. So back to the main topic - women. Let me update you.


I mentioned Jasmine before. She is the Jewish gal - older - fun - reminds me of my mother - kissing is not pretty. We teach together and the other day we went for a drink after class. In passing she suggested that I come over and "play". What kind of language is that? I remind her that we had that option once but nothing happened. We then reminisced about the night I was over at her place and it was so cold at 2 am that my car wouldn't start. Wow. What a wonderful opportunity. Jasmine was happy to have me stay over. We crawled into bed. We kissed and ...... nothing. I tried my entire play book and nothing. She just laid there like a log. So we are reminiscing about what happened and she told me she was still waiting. WTF? Am I stupid or just totally out to lunch? The only thing I can figure out is that I like a bit of reciprocity - some give and take - something warmer than a cold limp fish. As far as I know her invitation to come over and "play" is still open. Sometimes I entertain the thought.

Cartwheels is AWOL. I have no idea what happened to her - she's just gone. But I couldn't give a rat's ass. She captivated my mind for nearly a year and then vanished. Fuck.

Spandex, my ex, actually made a joke in an email (our only form of communication - her choice) this week. Maybe she is finally coming out of her menopausal spin. What a fucking nightmare that was. I wish her the best but I can't even laugh at her humor. She just pisses me off.

Pickles is still hanging around. She's not my first choice for a lover but she seems to stick to me like semen on a blue dress. She loves sex which is wonderful. God, I wish my ex-wife had the same interest and motivation - that would have been nice - maybe we would still be together - heaven forbid the thought. Not that I care now but while we were married fantastic sex would have been nice.

Back to Pickles. I made a tragic error a few weeks ago. Pickles was over for the night. I thought I would get romantic and burn some candles. I think I mentioned that she is not Helen of Troy (my favorite woman in antiquity) or Charlize Theron (my favorite female celebrity). Anyways, I lit two candles to throw a little light around the room.

I should clarify that skinny women freak me out. This is because my ex was very thin. When she was a teenager she even had a diagnosis of anorexia. As a teenager and young adult I succumbed to societal pressures and fell in love with a thin woman. I didn't mind - she had nice attributes. But now that I'm divorced I can't even imagine going out with someone who is rail thin. I have had a couple dates with thin women and I just freak out as soon as I see them. Now I screen them out.

However, on the opposite side of the scale, over weight women are just non starters for me. I don't mind having fat chicks as friends but I doubt I can fall in love with someone who is quite over weight. My cut off point (got to love that phrase) is having an apron. I just can't get excited about an apron. I pretty sure Pickles has one or close to one but I can't look. I just can't face reality. I'd rather close my eyes and fantasize about Charlize Theron . As you may have guessed, lighting the candles was a huge mistake. I almost saw her naked. God, what a sick fuck I am. Why did God make me this way?

I'm in such a bind. Skinny gals freak me out and fat gals turn me off. What am I suppose to do? Oh and to really limit my options, I have the other issue which I've mentioned before. I can't get excited about older women either - they remind me of my mother.

I'm hooped. What's a guy to do?

Well, let me carry on with a few more women in my life. Actually, one is a group of females. Sounds nice, eh? Well, not really. I call them The Three Musketeers where I'm d'Artagnan. Sherri is the mother, Mya is the daughter and Tutu is the Goldendoodle. I see them walking on my street all the time. Sometimes we stop and chat when I'm walking Kharma or when I'm coming home from work. They are all very nice. I suspect that there isn't a Mr. Sherri but I don't know for sure. I think that Sherri had a painful experience with someone (who hasn't). Sherri wears nice hats in cold weather. She smiles and talks to me. She walks Mya to a nearby before-school-place and then picks her up after work. I respect her. I think she is a good mother. I like her but haven't tried to connect. But I would like too. 

Then there is Ivy. I met her a few weeks ago when I was a guest presenter for a friend's (Doug) marketing class. Actually, I hardly met Ivy even though she was one of the students. The person I remembered was her "husband", Zie; he gave me his business card. I sent him an email, as I always do, but he never replied. Then I went to a networking function this week and saw him again. It took me a while to figure out who he was but I did make the connection. But then he left - early. I chatted with my friend, Doug. He introduced me to this good looking women called Ivy and reminded me that she had taken his class. I said Hi and then remembering the connection, I mentioned to Ivy that I had seen Zie earlier. She said that they had broken up and he came to the event to check up on her. She said this with disgust, then added that they had broken up. I was somewhat surprised but Zie hadn't impressed me. I'm sure he is an important business man - with a small dick. I despise guys like that. Not the small dick part. I could careless about their anatomy. It's their "I'm better than you" attitude that just irritates me. My theory is that men who are short or who have small dicks have to prove themselves. Their arrogant attitude is a compensation for their small dicks. I just want to whip mine out and say, see I'm bigger than you so shut the fuck up and go away. Of course, I'll never know who is bigger because I'm not in a habit of unfolding mine in public. But the thought is there.

So Ivy and I exchanged cards. She sent me an email that night thanking me for the people that I introduced her to. I replied with an invitation for coffee sometime. We met today. I hardly got a word in edgewise. She just talked - I listened. She is interesting. I didn't like all the funky new age spiritual crap but she is interesting. She is pretty. She likes to travel. She is fun. She likes friendships. She's pretty - did I mention that? She's going to make me a pumpkin martini - sounds interesting. I wonder how many we will drink?

Thanks for the email today - a blessing. Looking forward to dinner later in December. Safe travels.

Cocktale

A World of Dating Options

Cocktale, how do you keep it all straight? So I have received several messages from you as of late confusing the women in your life. I have to tell you, it is certainly very amusing, and as long as it doesn’t backfire, I say do it!!! Not the best advice, I know, but come on, we only live once and it makes for entertaining stories later :). This brings me to my next story…

A couple of years back I was a dating machine and I definitely learned my lesson the hard way. I was seeing a few guys and I liked them all. Basically, I wanted to take characteristics from them all and turn them into the perfect man. Alas, I am still waiting for Mr. Right, but Mr. Close seems to be keeping my attention (we went to San Fran last week, but that is a different story).

Anyway, at the time, I was seeing a salsa dancing surgeon, Emilio, and I was also flirting with a male model who did overseas work for BCBG. I met Emilio online – he was handsome, he was very intelligent and he also had some very nice other assets (yes I went there). Add the fact that he was a salsa dance instructor in his spare time and you have a genuine lady magnet. The problem was that he knew it! He could not keep it in his pants to save his life. 3 failed marriages, and one daughter later, he was reassessing his life on the dating scene. Again, another big fail, but here is still hoping to you Emilio! I believe he is on marriage number 4 as of last month.

I met BCBG at a bar one night. He was a very odd looking man. Very tall, and quite thin with an angular face. He basically spent the evening staring me down in the bar. I normally don’t respond well to this approach, but he did eventually muster enough courage to ask if he could buy me a drink with his English accent. I have to tell you, I am an absolute sucker for an accent so I did accept. Turns out he was a model visiting his family and he wanted a persnal tour guide. I was happy to oblige for a few dates anyway.

Well, I basically ended up going out with both of them a few times. Emilio, I spent a lot more time with as I am a complete sucker for a man that can dance. BCBG I had been out with a couple of times, but I would not say I was captivated by the man. I had an understandable fascination with his career, but he seemed to be completely bi-polar and overly emotional. He is the reason I have a rule not to date models, actors or professional athletes. He was really quite insane as things turned out.

Once night, I decided that I should plan a quick drink with Emilio, then head out to the bar with BCBG. The drinks with Emilio were great, I was really quite sorry to leave him. I headed to the bar to meet BCBG. About an hour into the evening, who do I see walk into the bar….Emilio. This is when all hell broke loose. It became quite evident that I liked Emilio more. I wanted to explain the situation to Emilio as of course, he was curious as to why I was at the bar with another man when I just blew him off to go to a friends birthday party. Emilio being the "playa" that he is found the entire evening hilarious. On the other hand, BCBG went crazy and I was forced to leave the bar shortly after being confronted by him.

BCBG called me over a hundred times that night and parked his car in front of my house. Model = crazy…take note…this is important. Anyway, after weeks of deflecting calls, BCBG sent me a note indicating that he was saying goodbye to the world. He sent me a CD and a note. I ignored both. A week later I got a call from his brother telling me that he was dead. Ok…good times, now I am a total wreck. Well it turns out that models are absolutely insane. The guy is alive and well and still posting new status updates on facebook.

Anyway, I guess the moral of this story is not really not to date multiple people at the same time as everything was fine up to that point, but more to avoid bi-polar zoolander look alike models. You get the idea. So work it, and I hope it goes well. You may not want to have multiple dates on the same night and start a notebook with conversational details with each lady. I find it helps after a few dates LOL. Happy fishing!

On a side note, I’m coming home very soon, so I expect that we will have a wine date shortly. I can’t wait!!

Chutney

Compliments from Friends

Dearest Chutney,

I loved hearing about your trip to India. I am envious (although not about the crying part). Oh to have gone with you but alas I am still stuck in the city. Sorry to hear you are having an extended ride on the emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I have to force myself to remember that tears are often from heaven and they help to shower your soul clean from all the dirt of life. I am giving you a long distance virtual hug.

Speaking of hugs. I have to tell you about one that I had recently that scored a 10 on my hugness scale. I was in Vancouver recently for a conference. I have a friend who has lived there for years. I got to know Gladiola after high school when I left home and went to a religious college in another city. She was thin and had the most beautiful long black hair. For years after, during the Christmas holidays she would make the best eggnog ever. We never dated. I don't really know why but we have always been good friends.

A few years back she called me on a Friday afternoon. At the time I was in my bachelor apartment basking in the sunlight that streamed into the room. This was a few months after separating from Spandex. I spent many hours alone those days so to get a call from someone, anyone, was a treat. But this call was disturbing. Gladiola called in distress to say she was trying to make a decision about whether or not to go into rehab for a drinking problem. I knew she had a problem but we had never discussed it before. She called to say that she was scared and didn't know what to do. She said things were so bad that she would get sick when she stopped drinking. She would vomit and the only way to stop was to start drinking again.

I listened and I hurt for her. When she asked me what I thought she should do I didn't really know what to say. I usually avoid giving advice to friends but I will if they ask and I feel that they really want an answer - not everyone who asks actually wants advice. I suggested that she should do what is best for herself and her family - she has a husband and a son.

I didn't her from her for a few months. Every once in a while I would call her or email her. She did go for treatment and is now doing much better.

Before my trip to Vancouver I sent her a note asking if she would have time to meet. She replied with enthusiasm and told me to set aside the whole afternoon before the conference. We arranged to meet at my hotel about 3:00. She called me when she got there and I met her in the lobby. She hug me so tight and so long that I thought she would never let go. It felt wonderful to be loved and appreciated.

We spent the next 7 hours wandering around Granville Island looking at all the shops. I had never been to Granville Island so this was a real treat for me. One store was full of sculpture from Africa - I was fascinated. We had a late lunch, drank tea, and had a beer. I asked her before we ordered if she was okay drinking alcohol and she reassured me that she was fine and she was. Between beverages we walked around and around sometimes crossing paths that we had been on before. We didn't care. We took pictures of each other standing in front of the harbor with all the boats. Absolutely spectacular. At 7 or so we went to this fancy restaurant called Bridges. I honestly can't remember what we ate but it was delicious. And we drank Malbec wine from Argentina (I wonder where I learned that from). Gladiola had one glass and I drank the rest. She was planning on driving later. We talked and shared stories about our lives. I told her about being married and why I left. I told her about my sons and raising them on my own. She told me about the good times and the bad times in her life. She told me about her family and her siblings and her parents. Some of the stories I knew already but some were new. I reveled in her openness and honesty. I love to feel share about my life and I treasure the trust that others show me when they tell me about themselves. At 10 pm she dropped me off at my hotel. We hugged again for a long time.

A few days later after the conference was finished, I sent her an email thanking her for a wonderful evening. Her reply was that the evening was "magical". Wow, what a compliment!

On another note, Cartwheels has tumbled off the map. I did go on a walk with her and her dog. We had fun. I enjoyed her company. But she's missing a tooth and she wore a white jacket that was filthy and her dog had poo hanging off his rear end. Now her work phone has an extended absence message. I think she is ill but I have no way of connecting with her. Maybe I'll leave another card at her mother's house. This is all very strange.

Pickles, however, is still hanging in there. I'm surprised and grateful. I tried to break up with her after our trip to New York. She understood me completely but basically ignored my request and kept in touch by sending me jokes via email. Then she asked me to go as her date to her niece's wedding. I went and had fun. Later we had lots of fun. Of course, that was after a 22 years old female guest (from the groom's side) mauled her very affectionately outside just as we were leaving. It seems that this gal took a special liking to Pickles after the pole dancing routine at the stagette the week before. Nothing better than 2 gals making out - one MILF and one hotty. I just stood back and watched in amazement while my own pole stood to attention.

Since then we have had lots of fun both in and out of bed. Last night we went to the haunted houses. I'm still puzzled. In six months I have had more fun with her in bed than I had in 20 years of marriage. Yet I can't fall in love. Strange. I'm beginning to think I'm the odd one. Although, I have to add that after 20 years of trying to please an unpleaseable women I finally got a compliment worthy of repeating. After one late evening both Pickles and I rolled on our backs exhausted and Pickles said, "I have never had sex where the guy focused on giving me so much pleasure." How about that? Made my day!

Moving on.... Spindle (her significant was sick), Pickles and my friends, Jay and Gee, from Brazil dropped by on Friday. We carved faces in pumpkins and lit candles inside - spooky and fun. We ate BBQed pork tenderloin and chewed pumpkin seeds roasted in oil and garlic. Spindle brought Gee a surprise birthday cake with exquisite butterflies made from icing sugar. It was stunning. Jay and Gee told stories about their previous marriages (5 in total including to each other). I started the ball rolling by asking them what they did to resolve disagreements. Their conclusion was to keep talking until both people come to a comfortable acceptance. They explained that both people have to change their perceptions and attitudes. Both have to compromise and both will end up as winners. Very perceptive and very wise.

Lastly, my friend Sandy has moved in with me for a few weeks. She is a wonderful singer and exceptional guitarist. She is having a few difficulties with her female partner after kicking her partner's 15 year old son out of the house. Not too wise in my opinion. It is difficult enough parenting your own children but giving a swift kick to someone else's child is bound to stir up the hornets nest can result in a few stings.

Glad to hear you are coming to town soon.

All for now. Love ya.

Cocktale

An emotional rollercoaster

Firstly, I have to tell you that your Cartwheels incident has warmed my heart and if you end up getting together with who I hope is a worthwhile dame, I will be absolutely ecstatic for you! Frankly, it would be a Notebook worthy story, where I could actually bawl my eyes out at your second wedding. I would cry my heart out….this is not something I normally do, but in this case I would make an exception. This brings me to the emotional rollercoaster I have been on for the past several weeks.

PMS!!! I have no idea how that could last for 6 weeks. Ok, so one thing you need to know about me is that for the last several years I have not really been that in tune to my emotional side. I still love people, enjoy life, but overall when it comes handling life situations, I’m generally logical self composed human being. For whatever reason, perhaps I can blame some bizarre chemical in all the spider bites I endured on my trip; I have turned into a raging emotional lunatic. I seem to be crying all the time (not at work, thank god). I cry when I’m at home, I tear up at the sight of children and don’t even ask me what happens when I see the Dog Whisperer. Let’s just say, I’m a genuine mess.

So, this may have started on my trip. I have to tell you that it was an absolute wonderful time, and by wonderful I mean ridiculously hard. I was traveling to India with my grandfather to help him out with his charity. His vision is to open up a school in the village, so we did some great work while we were there with the local community and are now working with amazing team out there to help out the wonderful children in the ridiculously small village outside of Delhi. While I was on my trip, I had a LOT of time to think. I was surrounded by poverty and was very removed from any form of technology (electricity and running water count in this case). It got me thinking about what was important in life. Everyone there was focused on basic survival and simple pleasures were drawn from everyday interactions with family. Don’t get me wrong, I really have no answers, but it was definitely a moment when you look at a human face in turmoil and they are still smiling their way through life willing to give you all they have. This is where the crying started. Sounds logical right…well it was, but now I can’t stop.

I cried when I hung out with the children, I cried when I thought of my family and heck, I even cried a little when I got home and had a 30 minute shower after weeks without anything aside from a bucket, thinking about how much water I used and how the village could have used it for days. So now, the floodgates are open and I have to figure out how the channel the energy for the good of humanity. Work seems to help, but only in 15 minute increments. Cocktale…do you think I’m having an early midlife crisis? Have you ever been in this scenario?

So I have a few theories:
1. I have officially fallen off the rocker
2. My pent up emotion from the last few years since my divorce is filtering out in tidal waves
3. This might be the new me with “feelings” and I might have to learn how to channel them moving forward to figure out what I want

So I’m hoping for option 2, but I guess we will find out shortly. I just don’t want to turn into that emotional mess of a girl every time I see a bird chirping or worse yet when I see the Dog Whisperer, which has been happening quite frequently as of late. I see him and I am emotional because I like him, I don’t see him and I’m emotional because I don’t see him. Seriously…when is this going to end. I think if he were to choose, he would pick option 1. Wait, there might be an option 4 – my body is demanding I turn into an emotional mess to drive him away from my inconsistency. Option 5 – could I be pregnant…heck no, I double checked that one already.

As for any other forms of male distraction that might get me back to my old self, I am afraid to report there have not been any as of late. Well that is not entirely true…I will have to tell you about my new dance partner and his dance moves – important to note that this interaction did not make me cry. I signed up for a new Buchata class and it was more an experience in awkwardness where the hip movements may have gotten me a bit more than I bargained for…being felt up for the sake of the art is ok right? My dance partner did ask me where he should be placing his hand…I did advise that him holding my ass is not an acceptable form of leading, even during the Buchata which does have its origins in the Dominican Republic’s sex industry. Check it out on youtube…HOT!

Anyway, I digress. I wish you luck with Cartwheels…please give me an update when you have one. Until then, I will just report my emotional forecast…perhaps I can use it to channel the weather or something.

Love ya!

C.

Cartwheels and Lemonade

Dearest Chutney,

By the time you read this you'll be back from your trip. I hope you had a wonderful time and that you got some rest. By the way, you work too hard. If I worked as hard as you I'd be a millionaire.

At this time the lads are not causing me any grief or hardship. Both are doing well. My fingers are crossed. I never thought I would say that but it is true. Dancer, my youngest, is seriously thinking of moving to the city to the north to live with his grandma, my ex's mother. My Dad lives there too. My first reaction is sadness. I'll be sorry to see him go and I'll be sad about him not living with me. But I'm also excited. I think it would be fantastic for him to not live with a parent. I left home and went to another city after high school when I was 17. I doubt that everyone would be thrilled about going to Bible school but loved it and I had a blast. So listen to this.... He told me that the reason he wants to move is to get away from some of his friends that he feels are a bad influence. Wow. What a tremendous reason to leave. I'm impressed.

You have some interesting choices to make with respect to boyfriends. I wish you luck.

My situation is still complicated. But first I have to tell you that Grace finished the painting that she promised me. You'll have to come see it sometime. I think it is spectacular. I just got it this week and it is hanging in my bedroom so that I can see it when I wake up. The painting is an abstract landscape of New York City with the view point from a boat on the Hudson River. Fabulous. I love it.

Back to my love life or lack thereof. Pickles is still emailing me and inviting me to all kinds of things. I went to her niece's wedding a couple weekends ago. It was fun and we had a bit of fun after. She is good. But I just can't get too worked up about her. She is nice and all but just not for me. I can hardly explain it.

I did meet another gal, online. Actually Effervescent met me. I was just surfing around and she sent me a message. God, some of these women are aggressive. This one is especially so. I met her quite a few months ago at a coffee place. She told me how she was sick for many years and lost touch with her kids. Scary. Then she had to leave to go home and sleep - it was 8:30 pm. Not a good sign. I forgot about her until I saw her in Staples one day recently. I said hi. She emailed me and suggested going to an outdoor play. I replied that I would but that I was not interested in anything romantic. We still went. Then she invited me to a fireworks festival. I went but I can't even get close to interested. I feel like an idiot but she's as skinny as a rail. Skinny gals terrify me - too similar to Spandex. If I was a real man I would just take advantage of the situation but I can't. I'm just not like that.

The week of the wedding I went out three nights with three different women. It actually gets confusing. And once I managed to get my stories mixed up. That was embarrassing. Oops.

But let me tell you who I AM excited about. A few weeks ago I saw Cartwheels. I was ecstatic. I even talked to her but that was all I could do. Let me explain.

I'm sure I told you about her. I met her eight months ago just after Christmas at the neighborhood dog park. We had a wonderful conversation about her messed up sister and her Dad who's sick. She is a nurse. About 40. Cute. Friendly. Long blond hair that isn't falling out. She has a dog called Chunky that was a puppy at Christmas but is now huge - a Great Pyrenees. She's had a few of them which is fascinating because she is petite. I'm sure Chunky outweighs her.

Here's the problem. At the park, I couldn't figure out how to ask her for her phone # or give her mine. I had left my cell at home. I had no wallet where I always keep a business card. And what really held me back was that I was on the walk with my friend All-a-lone. Every couple of weeks he calls me (or I call him) because he is separated, depressed and unemployed. I worked with him in a couple different companies and we have stayed in touch. I like him and he is one of my good friends. He called because he wasn't with his kids that weekend and he was feeling lonely and sad. I've told him to call me anytime and he did. I was glad that he called. I invited him for dinner. He was reluctant because he's been over quite a few times for dinner. But I twisted his rubber arm. I made rice and curry - Canadian style. I even baked yeast naans. You missed a great meal.

Anyway before dinner he wanted to go for a walk so we took my dog to the same nearby park. Then I saw her. There she was - in living flesh. Cartwheels. The one I adore. I even talked with her for a bit. I wanted to ask her for her phone # or give her mine but I couldn't - not with Al there. And that was the problem. I just didn't felt right about all of a sudden focusing on her when I was going for a walk with Al. I was so torn. It was torture.

For the last three weeks I have been in agony because I thought it would be another 8 months before I saw her again. Four of those months - the first four - I would drive by the park to see if she was there and she never was. Then I gave up looking for her. I figured she had died or moved.

I was thrilled to see her again. Can you tell? During the brief conversation that we had she told me that she didn't come to this park very often because the people and the dogs are strange. I agree they are but the park is close and I don't really care about other people at dog parks. Except Cartwheels, of course. I seem to care about her. Since seeing her I have been going to the park or driving by the park looking for her. Every day I go - sometimes twice a day. But she is never there.

I've been trying to figure out what to do. How can I find her? How could I talk to her? Why did I never see her at the park for eight months? Obviously, I'm not a drawing card. I'm dying and she's killing me. It's tragic really.

She told me that she often goes to another park called Discovery Creek. I know where that park is so one Sunday I went there. It is quite a ways from my place and it isn't even an off lease park. What fun is that? The whole point of going to the park with a dog is to let them run around off their leash. I didn't go back. It is a huge park by a creek with lots of trees. The chances of being there at the same time and seeing her were too small. So I went back home to agonize.

Then lady luck (actually a group of young angels) helped me out. A week ago I saw a sign for a lemonade stand. I love lemonade stands and I always try to stop and buy a glass or two or four. I usually buy $5 worth. I love supporting young entrepreneurs. The sign pointed up a street that I don't think I have ever been on. I drove up, stopped at the lemonade stand and spent my $5 for four glasses of lemonade. Loved it. Then I carried on up the street and around a corner. There she was. Cartwheels herself. With her huge dog. Talking to a neighbor. Under a big elm tree. Smiling. Just as I was driving by she finished the conversation with her neighbor and started walking up the driveway to her house. Or what I thought was her house. My mind just froze. I didn't know what to do. So I just drove on only to continue my life in agony trying to figure out how to meet her again.

But I hatched a plan and tried it out last night. My plan was to go on a walk with my dog, go to her house, knock on the door and see if she wanted to go for a walk.

The main problem with this plan is that she is going to wonder how I found out where she lives - she may think I'm a stalker. Looking like a stalker is not going to increase my chances of success. I would bet that my chances would plummet. So I had to figure out a way to explain how I found her house. That is when I figured out that honesty is the best policy. I'll just tell her the truth about the lemonade stand.

So that is what I did. I ate dinner - cordon bleu. Delicious. I called the dog, leashed her up and off we went. I found the street. Walked up past the corner and up her drive way. I rang the door bell and waited. I heard something and my heart leaped. The door opened and some old lady asks, "How can I help you?". What a letdown. Dang. I had so much anticipation.

Not all is lost. The older lady is Cartwheel's mother. Very nice lady. I chatted her up, told her my lemonade story and left my business card.

Now I wait.

The Glamour Effect

Hi Cocktale,

I miss you. I wish you were here. I’m glad that we keep in touch, but I really look forward to seeing you and can’t wait to come back over Christmas.

You know, although our situations are very similar, I can’t imagine how you cope with the emotional ramifications from the divorce combined with the onslaught of teenager issues from your boys. I remember being a teenager, and it was a time of serious confusion. I am still confused…maybe that will never go away.

As a teenager, I always thought I was smarter than my parents. I now realize the opposite was true. Although I may have deceived my parents by crafting camping trips so I could go run rampant for a few days, stole a bottle of wine or a few cigarettes, they were always supporting and knew that I had to learn some things on my own to become the person that I am today. I thank them for that, and someday your boys will too.

Speaking of confusion, I have a great story for you. The last few weeks have been insane. After months of layoffs, the office here is finally landing new clients and now we have the opposite problem. Most of us are trying to drink from the firehose of work around here. All I keep hearing is the phrase “it is a good problem to have” and I keep thinking yes, it is for you, but it’s not helping me get to bed before 2am every night. Anyway, I digress, so as a team building event, the office decides to throw an all day session with leadership facilitators to explore the concept of Extraordinary. I won’t go into details, but it was 8 hours worth of pain, followed by the typical advertising party where everyone gets fall down drunk. I was no exception – I was fully engaged in the drunken debauchery.

So, of course, the Aussie was in town and it turns out that he thought it would be a good idea to stay at my house. I gave him a random excuse about the dog whisperer and told him that he could not stay even though he was in Japan and would not be coming back for the next few weeks. Anyway, I head to the party, start drinking and like usual, the Aussie just wants to have a good time. Well, to be honest, I don’t remember what happened. I know there was a LOT of drinking, there was karaoke and then I woke up in my bed, without the Aussie, so I can only assume that nothing happened. The next day, the Dog Whisperer sent me a text message to let me know he was very upset with me. Of course I have no idea why and I feel like a total idiot. Thoughts that crossed my mind (in this order):

• RUN!
• Ok, I don’t know why he’s mad, what do guys do in this situation?
• If I apologize will it go away?
• Did I say something about the Aussie being in town, does this mean he wants to break up with me? OMG, did something happen?
• Seriously man….he’s old, does it matter…it was only a matter of time!
• Wait…why do I feel like I want to throw up?

Good times. So I spent about 2 days in this agony trying to figure out what I could have done that he no longer wants to speak with me. During the 2 days of emotional angst (a throwback to my teenage years), I was sitting in a salon getting my nails done reading Glamour magazine. I usually avoid trashy magazines, but I had nothing better to do while the small lady doing my nails tortured me with her nail file, so I read as a distraction. There was this small comic at the bottom of a page really making light of non-committal woman (apparently my issues are more common than I thought). The comic was about me…everything about the comic summarized my dating life since my divorce. I have a tendency to make up any random excuse in the book to try and justify breaking up with someone. The comic had a woman breaking up with a guy over his shoes, over his hair or over his height etc. It was actually quite entertaining until the comic character spends some time with a guy she really likes and breaks up with him for another stupid reason. All of a sudden she is reeling from heartbreak and needs to figure out how she was blindsided by the angry bus of emotion.

So, the outcome from my Glamour epiphany is that I am going to take a step back and re-evaluate my personal baggage to ensure I don’t miss out on an opportunity. Nothing is resolved with the Dog Whisperer just yet, and I’m not sure it will be before I leave on my trip, but at least I will have plenty of time to think what I want on my vacation.

I leave tomorrow – a few days of traveling across Spain, then a couple of weeks helping out my grandfather in a remote village in Northern India with the hopes of starting educational programs and promoting literacy. Thanks for putting on the fundraiser, it’s a great cause and we really hope to help.

Anyway, this is my sign-off. I will be sure to write about my adventures while I’m away.

Lots of love,

Chutney

Dinner and Relationships after Divorce

Just read your post. Nice work. You are fascinating.

Friendship is like a old shirt, worn out underwear or a ragged pair of jeans - soft, warm and comforting.

I'm taking the day off work so I have time for a post. I'll comment on relationships after divorce in a bit.

First, let me describe my thoughts about dinner with Spindle, Sparky and the rest. Spindle's observations and comments were off base. Granted, you were quieter than I have seen you at other times. But I don’t think I would have expected anything different. Sometimes you are the life of the party - talking, joking, laughing, challenging, teasing, suggesting, motivating (notice I didn't add controlling - you aren't controlling). At this dinner I wouldn’t have expected you to be the centre of attention. That would have been odd. Everyone was new to you except Spindle and me. So naturally I would think you would listen more and talk less. I've met everyone before. So has Spindle, except for the Japanese gal, Tomato. You weren't hostile - far from it. I've seen you pissed off (although never at me) and you were nothing like that. I thought you were having fun and enjoying the food - getting to know everyone. To be honest, I thought you were partially inebriated from the wine we consumed previously - wasn't that fun? You were not bizarre or bitchy. Where did she get that idea from? I can't believe she said that. I think she was nervous and wanted you to be gaga about Sparky. He's not that type of guy. He is just a human being like the rest of us. Personally, I like him and I think he is great with Spindle.

I agree with the Dog Whisperer, looks are important. I saw that show, "Dating in the Dark", too. The show was interesting, except that all the gals fell in love with the same guy. I felt sorry for the other 2 guys. Getting to know someone before seeing them is a good idea. I think it would be difficult to set up a situation where 2 people are on a date and have never seen each other before. I can't imagine how that could happen. Then I'm a guy and guys are visual - very visual. When I ask a woman on a date, my criteria for what they look like is not very high. Actually I don't really care. I like friends and I like having fun. So I go on lots of dates with a variety of women; some of whom are not super pretty.

But when it comes to having a relationship, all of a sudden I find my criteria changes. My criteria seem to be quite rigorous when it comes to having a relationship. I seem to be very picky. Age is one hang-up that I know I have. I can't seem to get excited about any woman who is older than me. I went out with a Jewish gal. She was and is still a wonderful friend. She is about 6 years older. We actually went to the same high school but obviously not at the same time. I like her but kissing her was very odd. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t too excited about her. I took me a while to figure out because I love kissing. We kissed often but I had this nagging feeling that something wasn't right. Jessie is shortish, dark hair with some grey, and a bit over weight. All of a sudden it dawned on me - she looks like my mother. I'm kissing my mother! I freaked out and never kissed her again. It was terrifying. So now I can't kiss anyone older than me.

My second hang-up is living with my two teenage sons. I love living with them although it is nerve wracking. Having dates over is a bit awkward. I have brought women home after a wonderful evening but then I get nervous with teenagers around and one of them is always here. My mind just runs wild with images of them laughing because of what they think I'm doing behind closed doors. I know you can't relate as a parent but think about it as a daughter. Isn't having a parent over with a date a bit strange?

My third hang-up is trying to fall in love. I can’t seem to do it. Having a relationship after divorce is challenging for me. I was so in love with my ex-wife, Spandex. Dating her was absolutely a blast. We did so much together - hiking, skiing, canoeing, camping, eating, kissing, exploring. Getting married and setting up a home was fun too. Having kids was challenging but we did it. Playing with young kids and watching them learn was very rewarding for me. After getting married, Spandex and I managed reasonably well for about 10 years then things started to fall apart. My mother died. I love my mother but during the last 10 years of her life she was not healthy and not that nice. I have great memories of her but they are all when she was younger. Then our family dog died. Then Spandex's brother-in-law died. He was only 42. That was getting too close to home. But what finally killed our marriage was when her father died. It was sudden and he was only 67. Spandex didn't fall apart. She's too much of a controlling bitch to do that. She just went cold. I can't really blame her. I'm sure I wasn't the best person to live with when my mother died. Everything I did was wrong. Our sex life crumbled and I found strange ways to satisfy my hunger. I was a mess. My whole digestive system was mushy - food would just run through my body. I even had a colonoscopy to determine what the problem was - negative. I was angry frequently. I couldn't seem to keep a steady job and I hated myself and my life.

And having teenagers didn't help. One day my older son, Rhino, and I got into a tussle. He wouldn't go to bed. He was 16 and it was a Saturday night - I was way out of line. Spandex was away that weekend. I called her and told her what happened. She was cruel. After that call I realized that I had been enforcing house rules that were not my invention. I was trying to parent my boys in a way that pleased their mother and I wasn't being true to what I believed. At that moment, I realized that I couldn't do this anymore. I just gave up. I couldn't continue living the way I thought someone else thought I should live. I couldn't try to please her any longer. I was done. The next day I started looking for an apartment and within 2 weeks I had moved out.

Separating and moving out was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Within weeks my sexuality straightened out. Within 6 months my digestive system was normal. I could actually take a crap without shit splashing all over my ass. I smiled and laughed. I cried, lots. I cried for me and for my boys. I worried about them so much. Both have had difficulties with drugs and the law. But they are now working things out and getting better. Last term Giraffe did the best that he has done in school since grade six. Rhino was very ill, mentally, last year but he is improving slowly. He is even asking to do chores around the how. He wants to be paid but that is fine. There are streaks on the windows after he "washed" them but at least he did it. He tried. Last year he was comatose or nearly so. The change in him is like a fresh new dawn.

I’m sad because it will be a long time before we meet again. Have fun on your travels. Send me a post card. Miss you already.

Cocktale