Life is Tough

Dearest Chutney,

I miss writing to you so I thought I would write. Don't feel obligated to reply, just read and enjoy. Or cry.

It was great talking with you by phone over the last couple weekends. I miss you. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties with your boyfriend(s). Love is hard to find - true love, that last, is nearly impossible.

I would recommend reading The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck.
See: http://www.mscottpeck.com/html/scott-peck.html. Excellent book.

The book starts with the line: Life is Difficult.
And then goes on with:
"This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
M. Scott Peck from The Road Less Traveled

So what should we do? Accept that life is difficult. That is it. Simple... sort of.

Of course, accepting is easier to say than to do. Especially, when life keeps throwing difficult curve balls. Unfortunately, this part of life will never change. The good news is that we do get relief - occasionally.

I'll describe my struggles. I appreciate your listening.

I have to sell my house. I have a few reasons as to why. First, I live on my own and the house is too big. I do have renters in the basement but it's not enough. The main problem is that my business has debts that we incurred in the first 2 years - when I was married. And we can't pay them off using existing cash flow. The only solution I can think of is to sell the house pay back a portion of our debts and then take a reduced salary to pay off the rest. Brutal. I don't want to pay too much in storage fees so I need to sell nearly everything. I'll keep the Cougar, my bed, photos, and memory items but everything else has to go.  The sad part is that I have to sell at a loss - less than what I paid for the house. Brutal. Brutal. Brutal.

But there is another reason. I feel trapped. Trapped by debt and trapped by the North American lifestyle. I feel like the only way I can be free is to get rid of the debt and travel. So that is may plan. Sell the house, pay off some debts and travel.

Swirl (that's my new nick name for my girl friend. I never like Husky) and I watched Dr. Zhivago on the weekend. I think I've seen it twice now. They lived difficult lives. All the characters. It just goes from one tragedy to another. But there are bright moments. Love. Living in the country. Love is difficult.

I have some good news. Rhino was here then left for Spandex's place. The reason is that he started smoking weed 5 minutes after promising not too. He even signed a piece of paper, a contract. The consequence which he agree too, reluctantly, was to loose access to the Internet for a week. So I took away the connection. He left. Of course, Spandex welcomed him "home" - I would have done the same.

My real reason for the sever consequence is that I'm tired of Riley spending his money on drugs during the first part of the month and then asking me for money later in the month because he's run out. I will admit that when he was sick I was lenient. But he is getting better, much better. In my opinion, better health equates to more responsibility. So that is what I did and Rhino left.

Normally, parents talk and agree on rules and expected behaviors. Then they follow through on consequences - together. But in my case, or Rhino's case to be precise, this doesn't happen - Spandex just does what she thinks is best. So do I frankly, but this is only after years of  trying to get my point across and feeling like an idiot because I didn't see the wisdom of her ideas. I think I told you this before but if she has 10 ideas, 5 are good, 3 are so-so and 2 are stupid but she thinks all 10 are brilliant. Rarely did I ever get her to agree to one of my ideas and if she did agree I never heard the end of her sacrifices. It was hell. Still is actually.

And guess who suffers. When the buffalo fight it's the frogs that suffer. Rhino ends up doing stupid things to hid the pain.

But let me continue the story. So at the end of this week Rhino and Giraffe are moving back in with me. Spandex sold her house. Giraffe has a rented an apartment but needs a place for a few day. Rhino doesn't have anywhere else to go. Spandex and her dipstick boyfriend (did I tell you meet him? That's another story) can only take Riley for 2 weeks out of a month because his 2 girls are there. I doubt that Riley will stay there ever. I'm counting on him getting some type of assisted living arrangement. God, I hope so.

Here's a funny fact. Spandex's boyfriend is an engineer with 2 girls. Divorced. Spandex's father was an engineer and she is one of 2 daughters. Isn't that creepy? Sad actually.

Okay back to the story. So the lads are moving back and I have no idea when Rhino will move out but soon I hope. One condition I had for moving back in with me was that he let me manage his money. The objective is to prevent Rhino from spending money on drugs so that he has money left over at the end of the month for... oh what....? Food, clothes, bus tickets, smokes maybe... I'm I an idiot for coming up with this plan? Spandex thinks so. She thinks that he is doing great. She sent me a long list of improvements she has observed. A good list but he can't live on his own if he is smoking weed and crack and has no money. Now who's the idiot? Can you believe that she had the highest marks in the university when she did her undergrad? When I married her I was proud of that - now I'm not.

Am I crazy? Sometime I would like you to answer that question. Tell me the truth. Be honest. I can take it. Of course, if I really am crazy it won't make any difference. Crazy people are just crazy - broken from reality.