Dinner and Relationships after Divorce

Just read your post. Nice work. You are fascinating.

Friendship is like a old shirt, worn out underwear or a ragged pair of jeans - soft, warm and comforting.

I'm taking the day off work so I have time for a post. I'll comment on relationships after divorce in a bit.

First, let me describe my thoughts about dinner with Spindle, Sparky and the rest. Spindle's observations and comments were off base. Granted, you were quieter than I have seen you at other times. But I don’t think I would have expected anything different. Sometimes you are the life of the party - talking, joking, laughing, challenging, teasing, suggesting, motivating (notice I didn't add controlling - you aren't controlling). At this dinner I wouldn’t have expected you to be the centre of attention. That would have been odd. Everyone was new to you except Spindle and me. So naturally I would think you would listen more and talk less. I've met everyone before. So has Spindle, except for the Japanese gal, Tomato. You weren't hostile - far from it. I've seen you pissed off (although never at me) and you were nothing like that. I thought you were having fun and enjoying the food - getting to know everyone. To be honest, I thought you were partially inebriated from the wine we consumed previously - wasn't that fun? You were not bizarre or bitchy. Where did she get that idea from? I can't believe she said that. I think she was nervous and wanted you to be gaga about Sparky. He's not that type of guy. He is just a human being like the rest of us. Personally, I like him and I think he is great with Spindle.

I agree with the Dog Whisperer, looks are important. I saw that show, "Dating in the Dark", too. The show was interesting, except that all the gals fell in love with the same guy. I felt sorry for the other 2 guys. Getting to know someone before seeing them is a good idea. I think it would be difficult to set up a situation where 2 people are on a date and have never seen each other before. I can't imagine how that could happen. Then I'm a guy and guys are visual - very visual. When I ask a woman on a date, my criteria for what they look like is not very high. Actually I don't really care. I like friends and I like having fun. So I go on lots of dates with a variety of women; some of whom are not super pretty.

But when it comes to having a relationship, all of a sudden I find my criteria changes. My criteria seem to be quite rigorous when it comes to having a relationship. I seem to be very picky. Age is one hang-up that I know I have. I can't seem to get excited about any woman who is older than me. I went out with a Jewish gal. She was and is still a wonderful friend. She is about 6 years older. We actually went to the same high school but obviously not at the same time. I like her but kissing her was very odd. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t too excited about her. I took me a while to figure out because I love kissing. We kissed often but I had this nagging feeling that something wasn't right. Jessie is shortish, dark hair with some grey, and a bit over weight. All of a sudden it dawned on me - she looks like my mother. I'm kissing my mother! I freaked out and never kissed her again. It was terrifying. So now I can't kiss anyone older than me.

My second hang-up is living with my two teenage sons. I love living with them although it is nerve wracking. Having dates over is a bit awkward. I have brought women home after a wonderful evening but then I get nervous with teenagers around and one of them is always here. My mind just runs wild with images of them laughing because of what they think I'm doing behind closed doors. I know you can't relate as a parent but think about it as a daughter. Isn't having a parent over with a date a bit strange?

My third hang-up is trying to fall in love. I can’t seem to do it. Having a relationship after divorce is challenging for me. I was so in love with my ex-wife, Spandex. Dating her was absolutely a blast. We did so much together - hiking, skiing, canoeing, camping, eating, kissing, exploring. Getting married and setting up a home was fun too. Having kids was challenging but we did it. Playing with young kids and watching them learn was very rewarding for me. After getting married, Spandex and I managed reasonably well for about 10 years then things started to fall apart. My mother died. I love my mother but during the last 10 years of her life she was not healthy and not that nice. I have great memories of her but they are all when she was younger. Then our family dog died. Then Spandex's brother-in-law died. He was only 42. That was getting too close to home. But what finally killed our marriage was when her father died. It was sudden and he was only 67. Spandex didn't fall apart. She's too much of a controlling bitch to do that. She just went cold. I can't really blame her. I'm sure I wasn't the best person to live with when my mother died. Everything I did was wrong. Our sex life crumbled and I found strange ways to satisfy my hunger. I was a mess. My whole digestive system was mushy - food would just run through my body. I even had a colonoscopy to determine what the problem was - negative. I was angry frequently. I couldn't seem to keep a steady job and I hated myself and my life.

And having teenagers didn't help. One day my older son, Rhino, and I got into a tussle. He wouldn't go to bed. He was 16 and it was a Saturday night - I was way out of line. Spandex was away that weekend. I called her and told her what happened. She was cruel. After that call I realized that I had been enforcing house rules that were not my invention. I was trying to parent my boys in a way that pleased their mother and I wasn't being true to what I believed. At that moment, I realized that I couldn't do this anymore. I just gave up. I couldn't continue living the way I thought someone else thought I should live. I couldn't try to please her any longer. I was done. The next day I started looking for an apartment and within 2 weeks I had moved out.

Separating and moving out was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Within weeks my sexuality straightened out. Within 6 months my digestive system was normal. I could actually take a crap without shit splashing all over my ass. I smiled and laughed. I cried, lots. I cried for me and for my boys. I worried about them so much. Both have had difficulties with drugs and the law. But they are now working things out and getting better. Last term Giraffe did the best that he has done in school since grade six. Rhino was very ill, mentally, last year but he is improving slowly. He is even asking to do chores around the how. He wants to be paid but that is fine. There are streaks on the windows after he "washed" them but at least he did it. He tried. Last year he was comatose or nearly so. The change in him is like a fresh new dawn.

I’m sad because it will be a long time before we meet again. Have fun on your travels. Send me a post card. Miss you already.

Cocktale

Dating in the Dark

It’s really good to be at home for a few days. I have to tell you that it was wonderful seeing you last night after such a long time. Our time together is always brief, but always enjoyable. I have to tell you that you really are one of my best friends and I’m glad that the president’s cup challenge years ago led to such an amazing friendship.

Speaking of best friends, my best girlfriend, Spindle, also joined us for dinner on Wednesday night. I am really glad that you were able to hit it off with her as well. She has a not so new boyfriend named Sparky. Spindle tends to be uncertain with many things in her life and she has always been a woman that rides the wind. This is the first time in her life that I’ve seen her in such a serious relationship. Spindle and Sparky have moved in together. Spindle is also working full time now, so I’m really happy for her.

So this week was the big meeting where I got to meet her boyfriend Sparky. I completely understand how this was a big deal for her. In fact, I have a story of my own of my friends meeting the Dog Whisperer for the first time, but I’ll get to that later. Honestly, I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with the guy. I spoke with him at dinner for a few minutes and that was basically the extent of our conversation. I thought he was fine and that everything went well. I mean, how much can you really like a person or tell what they are about after an hour or two at dinner. My first impression was that he was polite, a little on the nervous side, but overall a human with good intentions.

Well as it turns out, his perception of me was quite different. The next day, Spindle IMed me and asked me what was wrong with me over dinner. She said that I wasn’t quite myself and that I seemed hostile. I disagreed with her statement - in fact, I had a wonderful time over dinner and felt completely at home with the group (the entire bottle of wine you and I consumed prior to dinner helped). She insisted that my behavior was bizarre and that I was quite abrasive over dinner as Sparky had a hard time communicating with me. Oh no – how do you react to that? A man you have never met before in your life is influencing your best friend into thinking that somehow I have turned into an unfriendly bitch. How does a significant other blind someone you have known your entire life in a matter of a few months? I’m not really concerned, I’m sure everything will work out eventually, but the question is still interesting.

Are we really all blind when we are dating? What senses play the biggest factor in the experience? I have been concentrating a heck of a lot of sight, but there is of course the power of pheromones, attraction to the mind and just general energy levels that all play a part in the complex phenomenon of dating.

I recently saw a show called “Dating in the Dark” that exemplifies part of this question wonderfully. When I saw the show for the first time, I immediately thought of myself and the dog whisperer. Would I have gone for his sexy European accent, his charming personality and his overall intelligence – it’s safe to assume the answer would have been yes to all of these questions. What happens after a few dates in the pitch dark is that the person is revealed to you in the light for a few minutes before you go back and contemplate if all the other factors matter over sight. I have been documenting the results…I have found that in 2/3 of cases, the person deemed as being more attractive will give it a shot, but of course we don’t know what happens after this point. Does it last a week, a date or a year? Did they agree to go out on another date so they didn’t look like complete shallow assholes on tv?

I brought up this show with the Dog Whisperer the other night to see his reaction. It actually surprised me quite a bit. He told me that he would not ask a woman out he did not find attractive. He said that women he dates have to be the entire package and that physical appearance is integral to having a healthy relationship. My mind was on a complete rollercoaster ride during the conversation as I was trying to rationalize not going off the deep end with him and revealing my doubts on the subject.

I did come to one realization though throughout this conversation….yes physical appearances matter, but what matters more to me is the mental challenge that dating evokes – he was driving me insane with this comments. As humans, we always want what we can’t have. So here is where I think the Dog Whisperer is brilliant, the more I start to like him, the more he backs away, so I think I want him more. I’m struggling with this concept, and I’m not sure if the relationship is real at this point, but I’ll tell you this much, this is the first time in a dating scenario that I’ve been mentally engaged since my divorce. I find that this exact strategy works in reverse as well. The less I call, the harder he will work to see me and get my attention. I think I may have a rebuttal to “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

I know that your experiences in this domain have been similar. Pickles and how many other women have been falling over themselves in love trying to be with you and touch your hair? OMG, this strategy is gold if you know what you want. Now figuring that out is the real problem!