I understand your dilemma regarding the Dog Whisperer. You think you love him; you want to love him but you're not sure - not quite there. Tough spot to be in. Torture actually.
As you might have guessed I have experienced many types of love. Allow me to be analytical and explain what I mean.
Instant love happens quickly and unexplainably. It is pure and clean. It isn't always safe or secure but it is strong and undeniable. Instant love is like infatuation but with slightly more maturity and longevity (but not much). Infatuation is when you see someone and get weak in the knees and say Wow, fuck is she cute. But that's it - short and sweet but it vanishes just as quickly. Instant love involves passion and touch, more like ripping off garments and grabbing various body parts - all hormones. The problem with instant love is that it doesn't last very long. Usually it lasts only until the next match comes along and lights your candle.
There is another kind of love that I call convenient love. I'm afraid this is probably where Pickles and I may end up. It isn't true love, it is just a relationship based on convenience. Like instant love the key ingredient is sex - all passion and great sex but the relationship lasts longer. The love part, however, is just a facade - no depth. The relationship between Ben (Nicolas Cage) and Sera (Elizabeth Shue) in Leaving Los Vegas is like this. Lots of books and movies demonstrate this type of love. The love is not deceitful it is just hollow. My first girlfriend and I had this type of relationship. Fun while we were naked but empty with our clothes on.
My parents had what I call cooperative love. I never got the feeling that they were "madly in love" but their love survived. They entertained, parented, worked and existed together but it wasn't a love or marriage that I wanted to emulate. They lived together and got along - most of the time. There were times especially after we moved to Canada that their relationship was dysfunctional and destructive. Culture shock, raising teenagers, lack of money and other pressures (like religion) overwhelmed them and ripped their relationship apart but they never divorced. Now that I think of it this sounds like my marriage until it fell apart. At least my Dad held in there until my Mom died about 11 years ago. I don't think she was the easiest person to live with or to love.
Along the love continuum is the type of love that your parents have. I call it earned love. It grows over time, usually a long time. It is probably the strongest type of love. Earned love involves respect, patience and commitment. It has less to do with looks and hormones and more to do with listening, understanding, caring and forgiving.At times my marriage had hints of earned love but then it would just fall apart. It is hard to have earned love without reciprocation and I often felt like I was giving without getting anything that I wanted back.
There is another type of love that most people search for but rarely find. It is what I call soulmate love. About 18 months after my Mom died, my Dad remarried a wonderful woman. I have no doubt that they are soulmates. Strangely, they knew each other long ago, before either one was married. Dad asked her out but she was already engaged so their relationship never developed until 45 years later. Isn't love wonderful? This type of love is really a combination of the other types of love. It is instant, it is convenient, it is cooperative and it is earned. Most love stories are about people trying to find this type of love.
My short and simple answer to know if you are in love with a soulmate is that you will know it - you can't help it. There will be no hesitation, no reluctance, no doubt, no question. It just is. It is mutual consent, entwined with passion and commitment. Do you remember the description that I gave to you in Chicago? You know you have found your soulmate when you touch each others' necks and you can feel your hearts beating together - perfectly synchronized.
As you know, I love reading fiction. I'll share with you some of the books I've read and see if I can give more definition to love.
The English Patient by Michael Onjaatje (Canadian)
I saw the movie first, years ago, when I was married. Spandex didn't like the movie because the love story involved adultery. I loved the story for exactly the same reason. I confess that I was considering an affair but I never did. I came close with an old flame - that was hot. In the novel, love materializes the moment when Count Laszlow (Ralph Fiennes) touches the tender depression near Katharine's (Kristin Scott Thomas) clavicle. At the time I wanted so much to be in love. I wasn't but I was trying and failing. Later, my older son bought the book for me - I still have it, somewhere. No question that this is an example of instant love with a slim chance the lovers eventually become soul mates but this isn't guaranteed - instant love never is.
Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
After her divorce, the author describes her yearlong travels to Italy, then India and finally to Indonesia. Chick lit but I liked it. The meditation part was a bit thick but her experiences in Italy and Bali where she falls in love are wonderful. Her marriage sounds like convenient love and her relationship in Bali might be instant love or cooperative love but she didn't convince me that it was soulmate love.
Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin
I think you suggested that I read this book but a few other friends did too. So I bought it. I cried for at least 2 chapters. Greg Mortenson is originally from the same country that I lived in in Africa. The parallels and memories tore me apart. Greg Mortenson has contributed so much to the lives of children, especially girls, in Pakistan. I also cried when Greg describes falling in love with Tara Bishop - 6 days later they get married. At first glance this may appear to be instant love but I'm sure that it is soulmate love that will survive for the long term. I admire every part of Greg. He is absolutely my hero.
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
Action packed love story - instant love - and all the rage. Teenage girl falls in love with a vampire. I liked reading about the tension that Edward has for Bella. He wants to love her and kiss her but he risks biting her which he doesn't want to do. There are a few women I'd like to bite, although not because I'm in love. I also read New Moon too but I haven't seen the movie, yet. Classic story of 2 guys battling over a cute gal.
The Road by Cormac McCarthy
Strictly a guy's book, or so I'm told by some of the reviews that I read. I haven't seen the movie but I have too because Charlize Theron is in it. Actually, she is my soulmate, she just hasn't figured it out yet. I know she will - I'm actually waiting for her phone call. Sometimes finding a soulmate requires patience - she'll come around eventually. I'm sure. Soulmates can't live without each other. Destiny prevails, just wait and see.
Honeymoon with My Brother by Franz Wisner
Another guy's book but very good; all about traveling. Definitely not about soulmate love. Guy gets dumped by fiancée a week before wedding, has big party instead, drags brother on already booked Costa Rica "honeymoon", and eventually convinces brother to travel around the world with him. Great travel story. I loved it.
The Skystone (The Camulod Chronicles) by Jack Whyte (Canadian)
I'm reading this series now. True adventure and great story telling. All about King Arthur although he hasn't entered into the story and I'm on the 3rd novel. Soon, I hope.
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey
About a guy recovering from various drug addictions. Absolutely brilliant. Having dealt with a few additions of my own (but not alcoholism). Lots of controversy about whether this book was fiction or not. To me his relationship with Lilly as described in the book is one of convenience.
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
Great novel set in the middle ages. There is a love story but a little contrived. A good story though.
Blindness by Jose Saramago
What would you do if everyone in the world went blind except you? Brutal story. A bit about love but not much. Tough to be in love when you are just trying to survive although I think it is possible.
Fall on Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald (Canadian)
I loved this book, wow. I can't remember if there was love or not in this book. I just remember incredible characters and a great story.
I Know this Much is True by Wally Lamb
Not the best title but a fantastic book. I couldn't figure out what the title had to do with the brutal story. Again I'm not sure this novel had much to do with true love but it was an interesting read.
Another brutal book describing terrible conditions in Ireland but I liked the book. For some strange reason I seem to read a lot of books that have "brutal" as and adjective. Must have something to do with my childhood. Parent in the book definitely have cooperative love; they aren't soulmates.
Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin
It took me an hour to remember the title of this book. This is classic chick lit but I loved it. I picked this up in an airport. It doesn't end how you would expect. Convenient love doesn't always work. Soulmate love is stronger. Soulmates are for life.
Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson (Canadian)
A very different story; like nothing you have ever read before. Tragic and beautiful. I may read this one again. Brutal car accident and fire in the beginning. The love story is about soulmates who find each other after centuries of time.
Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
Interesting. Another story involving soulmates and traveling across time, similar to Gargoyle but different. I read that the movie wasn't that good but I liked the book.
I loved the book; the movie was okay but not great. Great story about soulmates. When we were married my ex-wife didn't want to see the movie with me. I couldn't believe it - that was the start of our demise. I wanted so much to be in love but it just wasn't working. Her not wanting to go really pissed me off. I never recovered from those cuts on my heart.
Same author. Pretty good but a little corny. After this book, I didn't read any more of his books. At that point in my life I had lost all hope of ever finding a soul mate. I'm still lost.
This is the Indian movie that we went to a few years ago. It was fantastic. I haven't read the book so I just ordered it. Female author - I didn't know that. The story is about a second generation Indian who is smart but has trouble with relationships. Sound familiar? You should read the Editorial Reviews on Amazon.
Another Indian author. You told me about this book.Thanks. Wow what a story. Thrilling. The Beggarmaster character is fascinating and tragic. I fell for Dina - what a saint.
Absolutely loved this book. Helen is my favorite female in antiquity. Another lost soulmate of mine. She sets my ships sailing. The love between Paris and Helen is all about instant love - destine to end in tragedy.
I read this book by the same author; also very good. There are only a few references to Mary Magdalene in the Gospels so most of this story is imagined, very well imagined. For centuries, she was considered to be a prostitute as declared by Pope Gregory and only in recent years, (1969) was she given more appreciation. The Vatican quietly changed the scripture reading from Luke 7:36-39 (Jesus Anointed by Sinful Women) to John 20:1-2, 10-12 (Jesus Appears to Mary Magdalene). Regardless, I love the song in Jesus Christ Superstar where Mary (Yvonne Elliman) sings I Don't Know How to Love Him. I think I listen to the video about 30 times while writing this post. Love it.
Which brings me to the last type of love - frustrated love. This is what Mary experiences with Jesus. She wants to love him. In fact she does love him. He moves her but he doesn't show any inclination to love her back. At least not in the way that she wants him to love her.
Got to go. The phone is ringing. I'm sure it is Charlize calling. I've sent her my phone number a few times and I have her on speed dial. Up to now, my love for her has been a little frustrating because she never calls back but finally she has recognized her true feelings for me. I'm smitten. This is true love and she is my soulmate. I just know it.
Talk to you soon.
Cocktale
P.S. Thanks for the dinner, the dancing, the scarf, the gloves and your friendship.
