Dear Chutney,
Great to see you a couple times last week. As you now know Swirl (or Husky) and I broke up. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. We went to Florida with her daughter and stayed with a couple of her friends. Nice place, about a hours drive to Disney World which we never went to. We went to Universal Studios - fantastic, to the beach at New Smyrna - wonderful, and Typhoon Lagoon - not bad. I think I liked the day at the beach the best. I love the ocean. One day , I hope to live on or near the ocean.
The first night in Florida Swirl stayed out till 5:00 am talking (and drinking) with the son of the couple and his girlfriend. I thought we were going to Florida together but apparently not. I should have brought up my issues earlier but I never found Swirl that easy to talk with about relationship issues. Pickles was much better.
The next day I made a joke (I'll admit in bad taste) and she didn't like it. She voiced her discontent. I felt criticized and I just shut down. She and the others went out that night and I stayed back at the condo and watched TV. That night Shirl slept with her daughter. Her excuse was that she didn't want to wake me up. Like that has ever been a issue -sheesh.
We manage to wear smiles for the rest of the trip but when I got home I was just done. I had put so much work into the relationship and bonding with her daughter that I had no more energy. I just gave up. For all my effort, I thought she would be a bit more appreciative. I have trouble with appreciation, I never feel like I get enough. I suppose that is life. Maybe someday I'll get used to it.
I was also very stressed out about Rhino coming to live with me. He was with Spandex for about 6 weeks but she sold her house and moved out of town. Can you believe that? She used to be a half decent mother but for the last 5 years or so she has be the worst. There is no way that Rhino can get out there on his own so now he is with me - forever. He did try to stay at her new place for a weekend but lasted only one night. He said he couldn't sleep. I don't blame him actually. Of course, I'm happy that Rhino is living with me but before he moved back I imposed the condition that he had to let me manage his money. He was really pissed off when I left for Florida so as you might expect I was stressed out. When I left his choice was to stay with me and let me help him manage his money or he could stay at the Drop-In Centre. Luckily, he chose to stay with me and let me help him manage his money. Now he actually wants me to help him. I'm thrilled.
But the stress of it all didn't help my relationship with Swirl. I need someone who can help me through the stresses of life. Spandex wasn't the one. Swirl wasn't either.
My conclusion, after thinking about this for a couple weeks is that I felt trapped in the relationship. Bottom line: Swirl was great. The sex was the best ever. She could cook. She wasn't very demanding. Except psychologically she was. Just little things that she would say or do - or not do. Like not going out for dinner when you were in town. That is just strange. I love sharing my friendships. To not share friendships is just weird.
---------------------------------
I wrote that a few weeks ago and never finished. I was feeling rather bummed out but now I'm good.
I don't think I told you this but I was quite interested in Cidnee - the woman sitting beside you at dinner with the kid. I'm over her now. Well truth be told she asked me to the opera and a few other events which I interpreted as asking me on a date but that wasn't her intention at all. She just wants to be friends. I fine with that. I like having friends. I've known her for a few years and never asked her out. I'm not sure why - I just didn't. I think I was pretty sure it would never work out. We are too close professionally. Anyway, it was good to finally get the possibility resolved.
I have a new interest. Her nickname is Genoa. We connected online. I haven't actually met her but we are hoping to get together next weekend for a coffee or a drink or a walk or something. I spoke to her on the phone tonight for the first time. She laughs. I like that. I could do with some laughter in my life. She has 3 kids; oldest is 17 - a girl. There is a father so she gets the odd weekend off. That will be a nice change for me. The last couple of gals had non existent fathers so they were on call 100% of the time.
I'll keep you posted.
Cocktales
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Life is Tough
Dearest Chutney,
I miss writing to you so I thought I would write. Don't feel obligated to reply, just read and enjoy. Or cry.
It was great talking with you by phone over the last couple weekends. I miss you. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties with your boyfriend(s). Love is hard to find - true love, that last, is nearly impossible.
I would recommend reading The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck.
See: http://www.mscottpeck.com/html/scott-peck.html. Excellent book.
The book starts with the line: Life is Difficult.
And then goes on with:
"This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
M. Scott Peck from The Road Less Traveled
So what should we do? Accept that life is difficult. That is it. Simple... sort of.
Of course, accepting is easier to say than to do. Especially, when life keeps throwing difficult curve balls. Unfortunately, this part of life will never change. The good news is that we do get relief - occasionally.
I'll describe my struggles. I appreciate your listening.
I have to sell my house. I have a few reasons as to why. First, I live on my own and the house is too big. I do have renters in the basement but it's not enough. The main problem is that my business has debts that we incurred in the first 2 years - when I was married. And we can't pay them off using existing cash flow. The only solution I can think of is to sell the house pay back a portion of our debts and then take a reduced salary to pay off the rest. Brutal. I don't want to pay too much in storage fees so I need to sell nearly everything. I'll keep the Cougar, my bed, photos, and memory items but everything else has to go. The sad part is that I have to sell at a loss - less than what I paid for the house. Brutal. Brutal. Brutal.
But there is another reason. I feel trapped. Trapped by debt and trapped by the North American lifestyle. I feel like the only way I can be free is to get rid of the debt and travel. So that is may plan. Sell the house, pay off some debts and travel.
Swirl (that's my new nick name for my girl friend. I never like Husky) and I watched Dr. Zhivago on the weekend. I think I've seen it twice now. They lived difficult lives. All the characters. It just goes from one tragedy to another. But there are bright moments. Love. Living in the country. Love is difficult.
I have some good news. Rhino was here then left for Spandex's place. The reason is that he started smoking weed 5 minutes after promising not too. He even signed a piece of paper, a contract. The consequence which he agree too, reluctantly, was to loose access to the Internet for a week. So I took away the connection. He left. Of course, Spandex welcomed him "home" - I would have done the same.
My real reason for the sever consequence is that I'm tired of Riley spending his money on drugs during the first part of the month and then asking me for money later in the month because he's run out. I will admit that when he was sick I was lenient. But he is getting better, much better. In my opinion, better health equates to more responsibility. So that is what I did and Rhino left.
Normally, parents talk and agree on rules and expected behaviors. Then they follow through on consequences - together. But in my case, or Rhino's case to be precise, this doesn't happen - Spandex just does what she thinks is best. So do I frankly, but this is only after years of trying to get my point across and feeling like an idiot because I didn't see the wisdom of her ideas. I think I told you this before but if she has 10 ideas, 5 are good, 3 are so-so and 2 are stupid but she thinks all 10 are brilliant. Rarely did I ever get her to agree to one of my ideas and if she did agree I never heard the end of her sacrifices. It was hell. Still is actually.
And guess who suffers. When the buffalo fight it's the frogs that suffer. Rhino ends up doing stupid things to hid the pain.
But let me continue the story. So at the end of this week Rhino and Giraffe are moving back in with me. Spandex sold her house. Giraffe has a rented an apartment but needs a place for a few day. Rhino doesn't have anywhere else to go. Spandex and her dipstick boyfriend (did I tell you meet him? That's another story) can only take Riley for 2 weeks out of a month because his 2 girls are there. I doubt that Riley will stay there ever. I'm counting on him getting some type of assisted living arrangement. God, I hope so.
Here's a funny fact. Spandex's boyfriend is an engineer with 2 girls. Divorced. Spandex's father was an engineer and she is one of 2 daughters. Isn't that creepy? Sad actually.
Okay back to the story. So the lads are moving back and I have no idea when Rhino will move out but soon I hope. One condition I had for moving back in with me was that he let me manage his money. The objective is to prevent Rhino from spending money on drugs so that he has money left over at the end of the month for... oh what....? Food, clothes, bus tickets, smokes maybe... I'm I an idiot for coming up with this plan? Spandex thinks so. She thinks that he is doing great. She sent me a long list of improvements she has observed. A good list but he can't live on his own if he is smoking weed and crack and has no money. Now who's the idiot? Can you believe that she had the highest marks in the university when she did her undergrad? When I married her I was proud of that - now I'm not.
Am I crazy? Sometime I would like you to answer that question. Tell me the truth. Be honest. I can take it. Of course, if I really am crazy it won't make any difference. Crazy people are just crazy - broken from reality.
I miss writing to you so I thought I would write. Don't feel obligated to reply, just read and enjoy. Or cry.
It was great talking with you by phone over the last couple weekends. I miss you. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties with your boyfriend(s). Love is hard to find - true love, that last, is nearly impossible.
I would recommend reading The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck.
See: http://www.mscottpeck.com/html/scott-peck.html. Excellent book.
The book starts with the line: Life is Difficult.
And then goes on with:
"This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
M. Scott Peck from The Road Less Traveled
So what should we do? Accept that life is difficult. That is it. Simple... sort of.
Of course, accepting is easier to say than to do. Especially, when life keeps throwing difficult curve balls. Unfortunately, this part of life will never change. The good news is that we do get relief - occasionally.
I'll describe my struggles. I appreciate your listening.
I have to sell my house. I have a few reasons as to why. First, I live on my own and the house is too big. I do have renters in the basement but it's not enough. The main problem is that my business has debts that we incurred in the first 2 years - when I was married. And we can't pay them off using existing cash flow. The only solution I can think of is to sell the house pay back a portion of our debts and then take a reduced salary to pay off the rest. Brutal. I don't want to pay too much in storage fees so I need to sell nearly everything. I'll keep the Cougar, my bed, photos, and memory items but everything else has to go. The sad part is that I have to sell at a loss - less than what I paid for the house. Brutal. Brutal. Brutal.
But there is another reason. I feel trapped. Trapped by debt and trapped by the North American lifestyle. I feel like the only way I can be free is to get rid of the debt and travel. So that is may plan. Sell the house, pay off some debts and travel.
Swirl (that's my new nick name for my girl friend. I never like Husky) and I watched Dr. Zhivago on the weekend. I think I've seen it twice now. They lived difficult lives. All the characters. It just goes from one tragedy to another. But there are bright moments. Love. Living in the country. Love is difficult.
I have some good news. Rhino was here then left for Spandex's place. The reason is that he started smoking weed 5 minutes after promising not too. He even signed a piece of paper, a contract. The consequence which he agree too, reluctantly, was to loose access to the Internet for a week. So I took away the connection. He left. Of course, Spandex welcomed him "home" - I would have done the same.
My real reason for the sever consequence is that I'm tired of Riley spending his money on drugs during the first part of the month and then asking me for money later in the month because he's run out. I will admit that when he was sick I was lenient. But he is getting better, much better. In my opinion, better health equates to more responsibility. So that is what I did and Rhino left.
Normally, parents talk and agree on rules and expected behaviors. Then they follow through on consequences - together. But in my case, or Rhino's case to be precise, this doesn't happen - Spandex just does what she thinks is best. So do I frankly, but this is only after years of trying to get my point across and feeling like an idiot because I didn't see the wisdom of her ideas. I think I told you this before but if she has 10 ideas, 5 are good, 3 are so-so and 2 are stupid but she thinks all 10 are brilliant. Rarely did I ever get her to agree to one of my ideas and if she did agree I never heard the end of her sacrifices. It was hell. Still is actually.
And guess who suffers. When the buffalo fight it's the frogs that suffer. Rhino ends up doing stupid things to hid the pain.
But let me continue the story. So at the end of this week Rhino and Giraffe are moving back in with me. Spandex sold her house. Giraffe has a rented an apartment but needs a place for a few day. Rhino doesn't have anywhere else to go. Spandex and her dipstick boyfriend (did I tell you meet him? That's another story) can only take Riley for 2 weeks out of a month because his 2 girls are there. I doubt that Riley will stay there ever. I'm counting on him getting some type of assisted living arrangement. God, I hope so.
Here's a funny fact. Spandex's boyfriend is an engineer with 2 girls. Divorced. Spandex's father was an engineer and she is one of 2 daughters. Isn't that creepy? Sad actually.
Okay back to the story. So the lads are moving back and I have no idea when Rhino will move out but soon I hope. One condition I had for moving back in with me was that he let me manage his money. The objective is to prevent Rhino from spending money on drugs so that he has money left over at the end of the month for... oh what....? Food, clothes, bus tickets, smokes maybe... I'm I an idiot for coming up with this plan? Spandex thinks so. She thinks that he is doing great. She sent me a long list of improvements she has observed. A good list but he can't live on his own if he is smoking weed and crack and has no money. Now who's the idiot? Can you believe that she had the highest marks in the university when she did her undergrad? When I married her I was proud of that - now I'm not.
Am I crazy? Sometime I would like you to answer that question. Tell me the truth. Be honest. I can take it. Of course, if I really am crazy it won't make any difference. Crazy people are just crazy - broken from reality.
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