Dogs have been a regular part of my life. When I was a kid my father had guard dogs - two Doberman Pinschers. One day when my younger son was about five he asked me what their names were and I couldn't remember. I wanted to give him a image and something to remember so after a short pause I said Leftie and Rightie. I had to call my Dad after that and explain to him that if Son #2 ever asks him about the our dogs that he needed to say that their names were Leftie and Rightie. Those have been the names ever since.
I also had dogs when I was married - two in fact (dogs not marriages). The black lab died after six years. His death was one of the many stress factors that killed our marriage. The other dog I lost in the divorce. She got the dog and I got the kids. I think I got ripped off. All she has to do is feed the dog, walk the dog and brush his coat once in a while. I, on the other hand, am left with two teenage boys high on hormones, girls, sex, drugs, beer, and junk food. Parenting them is like dancing in a nest of vipers - terrifying and painful. And worry? God, I've never worried so much in my life.
But I digress. Let me get to the topic of this post: dating women with dogs.
Two of the women I dated recently have dogs. As I said, I love dogs but I have a bias toward big dogs. Little yappy mutts really bother me. Let me give you an example. Fenn (from about a year ago) has one of these rat-sized things that she called a dog. Truth be told, it is because of this feral beast that I never made it to the bedroom with her. I never got a chance. The barriers, partially dog and partialy woman, were insurmountable.
The first barrier was that Fenn is very religious - a real prude. I should have known that scoring a home run was just a fantasy. But there were other barriers. The second barrier was that she foamed at the month. I'm serious. She would start talking and a bit of white foam would appear at the corner of her mouth. One would think that this shouldn't be a problem but it was incredibly distracting. Literally, I couldn't consentrate on what she was saying - all I could think about was, "God woman, clean up your act, lick your lips once in a while," or" Don't you know you're foaming at the mouth," or "Shit, I hope she doesn't have rabies."
Although, mouth foam was a problem, it was resolvable. If I closed my eyes I was't so distracted. The clincher for ending our short relationship was Ruffy or whatever her dog's name was. This dog wouldn't stop barking and licking. It barked at the moon, at cars driving by, at the wind, at the neighbors, and at me. I don't think I'm much different from other people - I don't like dogs barking at me. But I'm also 50 years old - I figured I could handle it. Consequently, I decided to not let the barking bother me. I figured that I would just ignored the stupid mutt. It was annoying but never mind - I'm fine. Besides I want some good lovin'.
But this dog was intrusive and that is what did me in. Fenn and I were in the living room. Remember we couldn't be in her bedroom because that might lead to ... Lord save us - sex. Fenn has finally got the mutt to stop barking. We are lying on the floor - kissing. That is all we are doing - kissing. My eyes are closed so that I'm not distracted by the foam - I just lap it up.
Then all of a sudden Ruffy starts licking my feet. I jumped clean off the floor and nearly choked on a mouth full of foam. Eventually, Fenn calms the dog down and we start kissing again - still in the living room and still on the floor. Just as I'm getting my nerve back the dog starts nuzzling my hair and he's licking Fenn's hair too. The strange thing is that she doesn't seem to mind. She thinks this is "cute" and carries on kissing. But to me this is just too bizzare. I not impressed and I'm not having a good time.
What really pissed me off was that Fenn babed this dog and let the thing do whatever it wanted. All I wanted to do is swat the beast. I didn't but I've lost my motivation and any level of performance is gone. I give up. I fake a yawn and complain about how tired I am, then make a quick exit.
I'll save the next dog story for the next post.
Cocktale
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