Musings For Those Who Are Relationship Challenged: Lost Love, Strippers and Cruising the Caribbean

Dear Chutney,

You have such interesting tales to tell. I'm glad you're having fun. I love the story about Mrs. Marsha Mallow.

Your relationship with the Dog Whisper sounds less than ideal. It worries me that he is so distracted by work when he is supposed to be spending time with you. That can't be good. About a year ago I read Twilight by by Stephenie Meyer. I liked the book - it was interesting and entertaining. There is one part about a third of the way through that I remember well. Edward and Bella are in a restaurant having coffee or a dinner. There is a very cute waitress waiting on their table but Edward only has eyes for Bella. Focused. Intense. Fascinated. I love that scene. I hope that one day you will find someone that has that much interest in you. You deserve to be the only focus of attention for someone who loves you. I hope it works out with Mr. Vancouver. Keep me posted.

So it is Saturday evening and it is snowing (seriously). I'm at home trying to listen to the radio over Rhino's music which is blaring. I would ask him to turn it down but I'd rather save that request for later when I go to bed. The dog is lying on my feet keeping them warm. Earlier this week Rhino, Giraffe and I got back from a weeks cruise around the Caribbean. More on that later. The significant point at this time is that I'm home alone on a Saturday evening. A little strange but expected since I broke up with Pickles a couple weeks before going on the cruise.

It has been a long time coming. I think I mentioned that I broke up with her once before, after our trip together to New York City. Somehow she lured my back. Actually, I remember exactly how it happened. Before the NYC trip she had invited me to her niece's wedding which was after the trip and I had promised to attend. So I went but reluctantly. However, at the reception I met a few of the women that had attended her niece's stagette which involved lessons pole dancing. What is it with women and pole dancing, without men there? That is just wrong. As you can imagine a bunch of women pole dancing is enough to drive me crazy. And they had pictures! One of the gals who went to the stagette was a young brunette with the most amazing body - think Jennifer Connelly or how about this. The captivating part was that Jennifer-look-a-like had quite a thing for Pickles which apparently started at the pole dancing event. At the end of the evening Pickles and I were leaving and this gal comes up to say goodbye. She gives Pickles a long hug, starts kissing her and is even starting to caress her. Pickles didn't do anything to discourage her and I'm standing right there - weak kneed. I was about to fall over! I'm going nuts dancing from one foot to the other like I have to pee. I can't help thinking of Jennifer Connelly in one of her early movies - yikes. (BTW, my favorite movie with Jennifer Connelly is Blood Diamond.) The end result is that we (just Pickles and I - dang) went back to her place and had wild sex. I was hooked.

But now I have escaped. Honestly. Pickles was starting to express her undying love and I know I didn't have the same feelings so I had to call things off. I have no idea what I'm going to do but I'm sure someone interesting will cross my path. Actually, there is someone but I know it isn't going to work out. I'm gaga and she's not. Okay, I'll tell you a bit about her. I met her at a business event about 6 months ago. Her name is Catherine - brunette, pretty, 5'5", yoga instructor, and smiles. She lost her job sometime after Christmas and called me up to pump me for ideas. So what is wrong, you ask? She's too young. Well not too young for me - rather I'm just too old for her. The topic has never come up but I know that all she wants from me is to help her find a job. In the mean time I'm enjoying her company - give and take. On Thursday we went out for coffee and then for a quick dinner before she flew off to teach. During the 2 hours the only other woman I saw was.... shit I can't remember. I don't think there were any women anywhere. I don't think there were any men either. Who served us dinner? I have no idea. I swear we were the only ones in the coffee shop and the restaurant at 5 in the afternoon. Strange really.

The stagette story wasn't the stripper story so let me set the stage for how I ended up at a strip club. In March our company helped to host a conference. The producer of the conference, Len, is from Sweden and has been doing these conferences for 10 years. To reduce his costs he stayed at my house - in my bed in fact. I suppose that needs a bit of explaining. My house has only 3 bedrooms because I rented out the basement. Rhino sleeps in one room, I sleep in one room and one room is free. But Len brought a friend of his from Finland and he took the spare room. That leaves the living room fold out couch which I slept on. I wanted Len to have my room which is quiet - the Rhino tends to charge around the house at 2 am on a regular basis. Oh, I have to ask you, "What is it about Europeans walking around in their underwear?" Very funny if you ask me.

The conference was great. We had fun, learned a lot and made a profit. On the Thursday night a day after the conference I had arranged to have dinner with one of my gal pals. Unbeknownst to me, Len planned on staying in town a couple extra days - so he stayed with me. Since he was my guest I had no choice to invite him along. Well let me tell you the three of us had so much fun. We drank 2 bottles of Malbec wine then started in on Scotch. After 5 hours we called it a night. Or rather my gal pal called it a night. As Len and I got into my car he suggests going to Hooters but it is like 11:30 pm and I suggest that the restaurant will be closed. Len then suggests a strip joint.

Let me explain that although I have been to strip clubs, I'm not a frequent watcher of peelers. I gave up my reserved parking stall a few years back. To be honest I find the whole experience a bit frustrating - look but don't touch. To prove my point about not being a frequent attender - I got lost getting there. Really. I know where the place is but I had forgotten the exact route. However, we made it, eventually.

I knew Len liked Asian women, in fact his wife is from Thailand, but I was not quite prepared for the intensity of his attraction. Len is a frequenter and apparently his wife ignores his peccadilloes. We walk in and he scans the scene. I did too but my gaze stops at the dance floor as some gal is pulling off her bra and sling shotting it to an gawking admirer. Len spots the only Asian in the building and heads her way. I follow, tripping over chairs, tables, and patrons. We sit down and his eyes haven't left her. She walks by and Len asks her for a beer. She states that this isn't here area so we have to get up and move to her area. I'm stumbling all the way to the other side of the stage, looking like a real idiot, as the stripper is taking off her panties. Do all strippers have a Brazilian shaves? OMG. Luckily there is an empty chair for me to fall into. Damn.

Here we are sitting on gynecological row. I'm staring at some gal with her legs wide apart while the guy on the other side of me is tossing Loonies into a rolled up poster that she is holding. It is shaped like a funnel with the narrow end pointed at her... well use your imagination. I'm asking myself, "How can he aim properly?" I'm nailed to my chair - I can't even move, except for the occasional twitch. You see what I mean? This is torture. But I soldier on, enduring the spasms of pain. Len, in the mean time, can't take his eyes off the Asian waitress who, incidental, has on all her clothes and won't let him touch her (I don't blame her). He keeps buying shooters, 2 or 3 at a time - anything she offers - just to get her to keep coming back. Then - get this - he falls asleep. I'm not kidding. I'm nearly convulsing with excitement, repeatedly tightening my belt so that nothing pops out and he his head starts to bob. Unfuckingbelievable. In my state of duress I try to ignore him but only at my peril. Apparently, strippers don't take too kindly to people snoozing during their show. Eventually, she gets up and stands naked right in front of me. She starts to yell and clap at Len to wake him up. I would love to move my chair away to show that I'm not associated with him but I'm strangely comatose, staring at her fleshy Brazilian, as my chin keeps bouncing off my chest.

Well changing topics, we had a wonderful cruise. I'm telling you a cruise is the best way to have a holiday. Wow. Nearly perfect. If Rhino hadn't whacked Giraffe on the head and inflicted $1,500 worth of stitches, it would have been a very relaxing enjoyable trip. Luckily I had medical insurance. Enjoy the videos:

Jet Skiing in Miami