Ridiculous Marriage Rules

Bitchy? Really? Are you serious? That is a side of your personality I've never seen. And believe me when I say - there are sides of my character that you haven't seen. But I'm not really surprised at either of us. It's not that we are hiding parts of ourselves it's just that we never need to use those darker parts of our character. Nice isn't it? Nice to know someone that doesn't piss you off all the time. Hallmarks of a healthy, functioning, positive relationship. I love it.

And, who cares? So you kick ass once in a while. Good for you. I'm sure you're good at it. And now you get to kick Mr. Vancouver's ass. Go girl.

I loved your story about the "enginerd." Poor guy. He may not have the largest tool in the shed but he's a survivor and doing the best he can. Have you seen this video by Russell Peters? Russell Peters and the penis size theory.  Opps, I just fell over - he kills me. Canadian too! BTW, according to his theory, my dick is getting smaller every day.

Thanks for calling the other day. Great to hear your voice and to talk with you. Looking forward to breakfast with you when you're in town. I'm thrilled that you and the Dog Whisperer are doing well. You deserve love and appreciation. I'm glad you are calmer and satisfied. Your efforts and patience are paying off. 

So you went to NYC. Really? Without me? Seriously, I need to hear about your trip. I love it there. I would go in a heartbeat.

Speaking of rabbits I'm feeling like one. Remember the gal I told you about with the daughter and the dog. Well we hooked up. Actually, we got tangled up. Well, not us but our dogs; just like in 101 Dalmatians. Have a look at the 40 second mark, you'll see what I mean. Seriously. I'm in love. I'm not kidding. I even tell her as much. And she responds similarly. I think I've told you about how difficult it is for me to love and harder still to say, "I love you" but I do. Anyway we fuck like rabbits which is contributing to my shrinking penis - according to Russell Peters. Unbelievable. I'm thrilled, fascinated, enthralled, and warm.

I've nicknamed her, Huskie. She's pretty and feminine.  But she snores which reminds me of Husqvarna power tools. I know, silly me. But sometimes these thoughts just happen with no rational reason. Oh yeah, and she's from Finland. She even speaks Finn. She wasn't born there but both her parents were. She has brown eyes. Who has ever heard of a Scandinavian with brown eyes. I thought they all had blue eyes. My grandparents were Swedish and I have blue eyes. Her eyes are still very pretty. It is possible to have brown eyes and be pretty. But you know that already!

Enough of the present, let me shift to the past and the topic at hand. Let me list a few of the "rules" I had to remember and follow (endure) during my marriage. These are her rules and her responses to my protests which you have to imagine me saying since most of our conversations were one sided anyway. I'm exaggerating a little but not as much as you may think. And the real nice thing is that none of them apply now. Ain't divorce wonderful?

1. Never have sex twice in one night.
"Quit rubbing your penis up against me."
"What do you mean you want sex again? We just had sex and now you want it again?"
"Are you fucking serious? God, you just don't quit. You want sex all the time. You're perverted. Sick and perverted, actually. Now turn over and go to sleep. And don't touch me like you did last night - I'm trying to sleep. Living with you is annoying."

2. Never have sex two days in a row.
"I'm busy right now doing important shit. Let me know when you want to schedule the next inny-outy and I'll check my calendar."
"No you can't look at my calendar. It's private."
"I don't give a shit about your sex drive. It's your sex drive, not mine."
"Shut-up. I don't want to talk about that. That is your private business. Just do what you have to do."
"No, I don't want to watch you. Put that thing back. Not here. Not now. Not ever."
"Can't you see I'm busy. I have to work out, take a shower, and get my nails done. After that I have to get my hair done. Shit I got to run."
"What do you mean, 'Who for?' For me you dumb ass. I get 'all dolled-up', as you say, for me."
"No, not for you. I just like to look good. Oh crap. I need to run. I just remembered that I wanted to drop by Holt Renfrew to pick up a few things."
"No I'm not going to tell you. They're not for you. They're for me. How can you even think that?"
"Yeah I know you're unemployed and we have no money in the bank. That's why I'm going. I'm stressed out."
"Stupid? You're calling me stupid? You're the one who is unemployed. You're such a loser."

3. In fact, it's a good idea to not have sex too often, ever.
"I'm sure it was last week. Remember, I got good marks in school, so I know stuff. Well not stuff about sex but I remember every time you rub your balls, forget to fumigate your pits, pick your nose, pinch a zit, sneeze in my ear, chew with your mouth open, touch my ass, scratch your ass, look at my breasts and think of sex."
"Yes, every time. Now I'm really not in the mood. See how you ruin everything. You're such an asshole."

4. No oral sex.
"Get your face away from me. Don't you ever do that again."
"I know other people do that but I hate it. You can't lick my... well you know, my... thing down there."
"Don't ever say that again, you shithead. Of course, I know what it is. God, what did your parents teach you? Oh yeah, you were born in Africa. What a fucking shit hole that is. I can't believe you used the V word. You are sick. Now I'm really pissed off. There you go again - killing the mood, like usual. Why do you keep doing that?"

5. No hand jobs.
"Well, okay once but never again. I'll use 2 fingers and close my eyes."
"What do you mean 'faster'? I'm going up and down as fast as I can and my arm is burning."
"What do you mean where am I going? I'm going to wash my hands. You could have told me your were going to.... to.... well, you made a mess and now I have to go and clean up. I'll probably take a shower, I feel dirty."
"Yeah dirty. That's what I said. I'm sticky, all over. Can't you control that thing? Now look what you did. Don't even talk to me, you bastard. You really know how to fuck things up. We were doing real well there for a while. But not now... not after you shot your load without giving me a chance to grab the towel. Fuck, you're such a fucking idiot. Don't even think of touching me. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Give it a rest."
"Yes, a long rest for a long time. God, you're so insensitive."

6. Sex in bed, only.
"Okay, we can have sex outside but only two times. And that has to be before we have kids. After we have children, forget about sex anywhere but in the bedroom. On the bed. Under the sheets. With the lights off. And I get to wear my full length nightie. The flannel one. With the long sleeves. And we're going to have fun. Aren't we, my little pet."
"Why so flopsy? You're like a little fish. See what I mean. I get in the mood and then you screw things up. Why do you always do that?"

7. Use lubricant, always.
"Just a second. Hold your fucking horses."
"Will you tie it in a knot it and give me a second. Where is that damn lube tube? Oh shit. It's all used up. That didn't take long to use up the whole tube. Remember we got that just after our disastrous honeymoon. Which was your fault by the way."
"Five years ago? Really? Five years. Damn, how time flies? I didn't realize it was that long ago."
"Another tube? Yeah I suppose we should. Do you mind picking one up in the next week or so? That's a sweetheart."
"Oh, you have a tube in your beside table. Wow, isn't that handy? I didn't know you were capable of thinking ahead. I thought you were only 'spontaneous'. Good for you but now I'm not in the mood. All this talking and planning just took the spontaneity out of it. I wish you wouldn't fuck everything up all the time."

8. Don't make a sound.
"Yes, I'm serious. Shut the fuck up. You're going to wake up the kids, the neighbors, the dog, the fish, and the plants. Plants need sleep too, you know."
"You are fucking ridiculous. You sound like you're taking a shit. Oh fuck, you didn't? Already? If you did, we are finished. Have you not control?"
"Okay, but I just had an visual and I freaked. Remember last week? You came all over me."
"Okay, sorry. Last month? I thought it was last week. Don't remind me. I'm trying to forget about that whole fiasco. What a disaster that was. You're such a moron."
"Are you serious? You enjoyed it? You actually got off on that? You need therapy and real quick. I got some of your.... your.... you know what, in my mouth. I had to use soap and mouthwash to get rid of the taste. I was in trauma for a week. I was going to call my shrink but I didn't want to freak her out. I was mortified. I can't believe you enjoyed that. You're a freak."

9. Don't pinch my nipples.
"Ouch. Fuck off, you prick. Those are my nipples, not yours. I grew them. I carry them. They're attached to MY body. They're mine not yours."
"Yeah you can touch them but not tonight. Maybe next week. You're so violent. You think you can just grab my breasts and pinch my nipples. Well, that's not going to happen. Not in this marriage and not in this life time."
"I know some women have orgasms when someone touches their nipples. My nipples happen to be connected to my tits - I mean my breasts - not my vagina. Those women are freaks. Do I look like a freak to you? No. I'm smart and don't forget it."

10. Don't touch my crack.
"I know I jumped. You touched my crack. Get your fingers out of my crack."
"I know that is the top of my ass but you can't do that. My crack is connected to my.... well you know. I could get a disease."
"Really! I read that. Next you'll be thinking of anal sex."
"You fucking pervert. You are so fucking sick. I can't believe you are even considering that."
"I don't care what you saw on TV or the Internet or in Amsterdam. It is fucking filthy. You fucking sick bastard. Get the fuck out of my bed."
"Kidding? You think that you are funny? Are you fucking joking? You weren't kidding. You're just sick. Just the thought of anal sex makes me sick. And now you've really done it. You wrecked my whole week."
"Bastard. I never said rectum. I said 'wrecked'. See what I mean. You're fucking screwed up. The only thing you think about is perverted sex. I can't believe that we have sex at all."

11. Always pee after sex.
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"I know we just finished but I have to go pee before I get infected."
"My friend told me, that's who. She told me I had to pee right after I have sex."
"She's an nurse, damn it. Don't you believe anything I say?"
"Okay but do it quickly."
"There, are you satisfied? You've had your little hug, cuddle and intimate moment. Now let me go and take a pee. Good night."

12. Nothing that even hints of frolicking like canines.
"No I won't 'flip over'. You can't tell me what to do.
"I know exactly what you're trying to do. You're trying to screw me from behind. That is so degrading."
"People don't screw that way - dogs do. Do I look like a dog?"
"Don't you dare answer that? Fuck! You are unbelievable."
"No, I haven't tried it and I'm not planning to try it. I like to see you head-on so that I can see what your doing."
"Now I'm totally pissed. Turn over start counting sheep."

Seriously, these rules were real - not a word of a lie. I'll admit to some embellishment, like adding a few extra swear words but the rules were very real. I realize now that I was naive but I was in love too. Love can be so blind.   I lasted 20 years but the pain kept getting worse. I'm healing now. Huskie helps. And she doesn't look like a dog. She's beautiful.